Introducing LING 69, a Crash Course in Oral Dexterity


Dear Gaucho Marks,

In light of Ken Cuccinelli’s attempt to ban oral sex among teenagers in Virginia, I write to you to direct attention to a seemingly impenetrable issue, and with the hope that your experienced staff will help me make a change. Being that you are aficionados of carnal knowledge, I could only assume that you would be eager to join me in my battle.

The hate is spreading like herpes – or possibly meningitis—and as you may imagine, students are already lining up at my door, desperate for action. And I intend on giving it to them. Cunnilingus is quickly becoming a lost tongue, and Cuccinelli is not helping.

I, for one, WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! They took marijuana, they tried to take alcohol, and now they’re trying to take muff-diving. I will not let the government be the only thing to fuck me. The art of sex is the reason we’re here, and it is our job to bring it back and embrace it to the fullest.

But I did not come to you only with complaints. I have a proposition for you.

According to the 2012 ASS (Annual Survey of Sex), 3 of every 4 sexually active students admit to having engaged in oral sex at some point during their UCSB career. Of those three-fourths, two-thirds of them (mainly women) admit that their partner could well…use some practice.

I present to you Linguistics 69: An introduction to the linguistic methodology in the act and enjoyment of cunnilingus, fellatio, and all available positions. If we consider language to be a means of communication through certain sounds and actions, cunnilungus is among the most sophisticated of them all. The subtleties you can communicate to a partner with your tongue are almost endless. This will be a hands-on, tongues-on, and pants-off course designed to demonstrate how oral sex positively affects the mental state.

With this course, I will require that all incoming freshman learn the vital practice of foreplay, thus enriching their college experience and providing them with a more meaningful youth. I write to you because I know that your magazine will make this issue known, and your magazine will be the face of all that is oral.

Let us save sex. Our youth depends on it. And goddamnit our ever-drying genitals depend on it, too!

Joey Caucus,

Founder of the Student Union for Carnal Knowledge