The Write Mindset: How to Crank out a Final Paper Using Various Study Drugs

pills_writing_essayIt is a cool Sunday evening and you are tearing the hair out from your scalp, ass, and armpits in frustration. In less than twelve hours, you are expected to present your History professor with a paper that compares the labor practices of American manufacturing and retail companies, and you have no idea what the terms “labor practices”, “American manufacturing” or “compare” actually mean. After what seem like minutes but are actually valuable, wasted hours of furious pacing and Reddit browsing, you realize that you simply cannot do this paper without some serious help. Your roommate just happens to be a highly successful drug dealer with a plethora of “study aids” that might be of use. At his suggestion, you purchase as many as you can afford, deciding to take a new one after each completed paragraph. The next day, you turn in the following essay.

Marijuana  

Back in the day, working in America was a huge bummer. Employees always got yelled at, especially if they were black, and women couldn’t really do anything except cook and make watches. There was this one chick who got radioactive poisoning from painting glow in the dark watches for like ten years, and all her bones melted and her blood was black and the doctors had to remove her jaw bone, her manimal or whatever, and her jaw was just sagging off of her face. It’s gnarly, you should Google it. But seriously, companies treated their workers like garbage until like, 1992.

Cocaine  

The Radio Corporation of America also known as the RCA discovered that finding skilled workers who were also willing to work under unstable conditions and around heavy machinery such as vacuum tubing calibrators and silicon welders and the same radium infused equipment that killed the aforementioned female worker from Radium Dial watchmakers and managed to create a community that became dependent on the company for work henceforth allowing them to exploit their skilled workers until the workers began to strike and the company was forced to fight the unions which was very difficult and prompted them to abandon their factories and move them over and over and over and over and over again until they could not afford to move anymore and that is how RCA died.

Ecstasy

This book is sooooo smooth. Wow. Oh, man. That is a good book. I’ve never read this book, I haven’t even opened it, but it is the smoothest book I have ever felt. It’s like a baby’s forehead. It’s shiny too. Oh my god, the PAGES. I just opened the book for the first time and the pages feel so weird. I’m going to flip them against my face and see what happens. THAT FEELS AMAZING. Every page of this book just high-fived my face. I wish I could read books like that. Maybe I can, I just never tried it. I wonder if all of my books feel this way. They don’t. None of them feel as good as the first one, and now I am so sad. Ummmm…Walmart. Yeah. Walmart isn’t very nice. I heard they use propaganda videos to turn their workers against unions. I wonder how the lighting is in those videos, because lights are really important and pretty. Preeeeety.

LSD

Walmart LSD

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crystal Meth

THEREISNOAMERICATHEREISONLYHELLTHEREISNOAMERICATHEREISONLYHELLTHEREISNOAMERICA                                         THEREISNOAMERICATHEREISONLYHELLTHEREISNOAMERICATHEREISONLYHELLTHEREISNOAMERICA                                       THEREISNOAMERICATHEREISONLYHELLTHEREISNOAMERICATHEREISONLYHELLTHEREISNOAMERICA                                          THEREISONLYHELLTHEREISONLYHELLTHEREISONLYHELLTHEREISONLYHELLTHEREISONLYHELLTHEREIS

ONLYHELLTHEREISONLYHELLHELLHELLHELLHELLHELL

Heroin*

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jwoifhwofiqwnfoiwhfoiwjfdoiwhjfoiwfnowijfhoiafhjifjwpofjwpofjwojfmepofhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

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*Moments after shooting up heroin, the writer passed out on his keyboard and was unable to finish.

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