Recap: Your Family’s Thanksgiving Football Game

          After reports on Monday that your uncle Rob’s rotator cuff had been acting up again, Thursday’s Turkey Bowl match-up looked bleak for the Red Team.
          It’s no secret that Red Team head coach Grandpa Gene has long relied on Uncle Rob’s short passing game for much of the fast-paced Red Offense. Grandpa Gene showed surprisingly little faith in his quarterback’s resilience, saying, “That boy never’n played the game like a man s’posed ‘ta.”
         Uncle Rob, who has only ever wanted to make his father proud, did not take the remark lightly. “Sometimes I just wish he would tell me he loves me,” said Rob. “Because I’m not so sure he does.”
         On the other end of the match-up, the Blue Team came into Thursday’s game with hopes of continuing their 6-year winning streak. Your Dad, an all-county wide receiver back in high school, showed no sign of relenting this year. “Rob throws like a queer, always has,” said Your Dad. “What? I can’t say queer now? Well, we’re going to smear his ass.”
         Having won the coin toss, the Blue Team’s offense got off to an explosive start. Your Dad’s old high school quarterback, Tommy Mizelli, threw a full-field touchdown pass to Your Dad on the game’s first play. “I think it’s sad that Tommy doesn’t have a wife or a family of his own to spend Thanksgiving with,” said Your Mom. “But sometimes I think Your Dad is jealous of him, you know, because Tommy sleeps around with the skanks.”
         Visibly thrown by Grandpa Gene’s comment that the Red Team’s defense had been “bombed like the Japs,” Uncle Rob kissed his half-Japanese wife Jennifer apologetically on the cheek and took the field. At the request of Grandpa Gene, Uncle Rob threw three consecutive passes to Your Sister’s Husband Rod, who is African American and seemed awfully suspicious of the whole thing.
         Uncle Rob then surprised the defense by running for a touchdown, tying the game at 1-1 (Your Dad is the only one who insists on counting the score by 7’s). Your Dad yelled at Your Little Brother for letting Rob through the backfield, to which Your Little Brother responded, “What’s a backfield?”
         On the next series, Uncle Rob intercepted a Tommy Mizelli pass and returned it for a touchdown.
         You’re fucking drunk, Tommy,” said Your Dad.
         In an unprecedented outburst of affection, Grandpa Gene shook Uncle Rob by the shoulders and said, “That’s my boy.” Uncle Rob began sobbing and hugging your Grandpa Gene, and refused to stop for ten minutes and thirty seconds, after which Tommy Mizelli had driven away in his Miata convertible and Your Little Brother was eating raw potatoes off the kitchen counter.
         According to sources close to the Blue Team, Your Sister’s Husband Rod will demand that he and Your Sister spend Thanksgiving with his family next year.
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