Argentinean Cowboys Head Coach Swears Not to Gamble Away His Pay Raise

By Coach Reese Millahan

Well howdy there, pigskin patrons! Coach Reese Millahan here, just dropping by to comment on my new contract as head honcho of the ol’ Argentinean Cowboys Football Program. The boys over at HQ tell me that I’m not so hot with the campus kids these days, so I thought I’d dose you with a tiny taste of the real Dice Rollin’ Reese. Let’s get right down to the red meat here: You may have heard that despite a history of illegal in-house gambling, I’ll be receiving more payment from the UC Regents this year than all of the UC Merced faculty combined, that I’ve been convicted of Federal Tax Fraud, and that my Texas accent is a fake. But I assure you today, Argentinean Cowboy Nation, that no more than two of these three things are true. I’m a man of integrity, and if I’ve got one thing, it’s my word and my integrity.

Now that we’ve got the dirty work behind us, let’s get acquainted. Name: Reese Millahan. Position: Tight End-only yanking your chain, folks! I’ve never even played football. No, I’ve been a coach from day one, when I came out the womb calling my Momma a loser for taking eighteen God dang hours to squeeze me out. She got my little sister out in six, and I knew my destiny. Disposition: Wiley as all get-out. Hometown: String Bean, Texas, a small town that’s real and actual. Passion: Hollerin’ at football players, no question about it. And not any kind of gambling, contrary to what some folks have maliciously slandered about yours truly.

Where I come from, a man’s name is the only thing he’s got. And so it’s of the utmost importance to yours truly that everyone truly knows the real yours truly. I’m sure now that you’re familiar with old Roulette Reese, you won’t think of my raised salary as your tuition money going straight into the pocket of some hoodie sportin’ bookie that I most certainly DO NOT meet with on a dark Mesa Road before every game. Rather, I hope you’ll see it as the tuition money of all UC students helping to reward a nice hard working American who you might run into at your neighborhood Applebee’s. I have been inside an Applebee’s before and it just might happen again. And to boot, I happen to chip a good bit of my salary toward the Slow Kids Fund, a charity I founded in 1991 with Reed Melonham, an old college buddy of mine whose similar name is just a riot of a Texas coinky-dink.

The years that I’ve spent here at UCSB have been the best of my life, and you can rest assured I’ve invested in this team in more ways than one. This season means high stakes, in a figurative sense. I look forward to seeing all of your fresh faces at More Difficult Stadium next Saturday for the big rematch against State. You can just bet it’ll be a barnburner. Of course I personally won’t, but you could.

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