Argentinean Cowboys Baffled After Losing Game They Wanted, Tried to Win

After commencing the NCAA Winter Football season with a perfect record of 3-0, a healthy UCSB Argentinean Cowboys squad fell in a shocking upset to State on Saturday. Alarmed by the first defeat in their school’s 36-year football history, Cowboy coaches and players alike struggled to pinpoint a reason for the loss.

“It’s just bizarre,” said Head Coach Reese Millahan, studying the content of a post-game interview from the previous week’s win. “It’s everything I was talking about when we were winning. We practiced tough. We wanted it bad. We played hard for four quarters. But we lost. Something just doesn’t add up here.”

Senior Quarterback Kevin Mitchum expressed similar confusion in defeat. “I don’t know what I believe anymore,” Mitchum said, trying unsuccessfully to remember his locker combination. “I just played hard for four quarters out there. We wanted to win. But we lost. How could there be a God and this?”

The loss has sent shockwaves through the campus community, with the athletics department formally announcing plans to change its motto from Invictos (“Undefeated”) to Ipsa Vix Victi (“Very Scarcely Defeated”).

Junior Wideout Quincy Jones was perhaps most distraught of all the Cowboys. “Do you know how many quarters there are in a game?” he asked, sobbing. “Four. Four quarters. And I played hard for all of them.” He later added, “I don’t want to live in a world where this makes sense.”

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