By Jeff Himes, Eighth Year

Ah, Saint Valentine’s Day. We celebrate this most holy occasion in memory of the day St. Valentine bought a Hallmark Gold Crown store and I, personally, couldn’t be more reverent. We commemorate his actions by finally unloading all the stored cash and repressed emotions we’ve been trying so hard to bury until this point in the year. (Remember when you made your New Year’s resolution to “Get closure”? Yeah, right.) Enjoy this advice, half of which is from my personal experience as a living, loving adult and the other half of which I plagiarized from the Valentine’s cards that my little brother received from his 6th grade class this week.

 

-Women like being called pet names, so it’s not a bad idea to start calling your girlfriend the same name as your pet. My girlfriend Mr. Bojangles has never been happier.

-Conversely, if your girlfriend is your pet, tell her how much you love her name.

-Lingerie is a great way to spice things up in the bedroom for Valentine’s Day. Another good way is to add a few droplets of Bujadi Death Pepper Extract to your personal lubricant. This will both figuratively and literally make your partner “Hot and Bothered.”

-If you were planning on dressing up local children as nude-cherubs to serenade your partner, think twice. This is probably a bad idea due solely to the legal implications involved. Both criminal and copyright laws may apply.

And here are a few ideas if you’re strapped for cash on Valentine’s Day, but still want to make it a special evening:

1. You can save a few bucks on a candle lit meal by sticking your unused birthday cake candles in a re-heated take on last night’s microwaveable lasagna dinner. For best results, turn off the lights, close all the windows and allow no other light in whatsoever.

2. Girls love flowers in all forms. If you can’t afford roses or lilies, try buying Semolina or All-Purpose bleached flours. Most girls can’t tell the difference.

3. If you don’t leave near the ocean, but want to share a romantic walk on the beach with that special someone, try breaking glass bottles next to your local public pool and walking on them. The danger involved will make for a highly erotic evening stroll.

4. If you can’t afford a diamond for your lady, anything else shiny will do.  Pocket change, aluminum foil or tinsel will all suffice. Note: This will only work if you girlfriend is a domesticated housecat.