Football Team to Receive Pre-Priority Registration, Teach Classes

Wide receiver Darren Fincher teaching his "Anatomy of Asian Chicks" course.

With class registration in full swing for the coming Winter quarter, students and faculty alike have shown signs of outrage at UCSB’s new Football First policy. Football First allows the school’s football team, the undefeated Argentinean Cowboys, not only to register early but also to decide which classes will be taught, and to teach whichever ones they choose.

“Priority registration just wasn’t cutting it anymore,” said Head Coach Reese Millahan. “These kids needed more advantages, and fast.”

Ever since the administrative board voted last April to terminate UCSB’s Turkish Studies department in favor of more football scholarship money, the school’s favorite sport has been no secret. The new registration policies, however, have brought about a new wave of frustration.

“What’s the practical use of football outside of school?” said Benji Conrad, a sixth-year double major in Philosophy and Art History. “College is supposed to prepare you for the real world.”

The Argentinean Cowboys themselves, however, see the change in a more positive light. This Winter, sophomore star running back D’Quawndae L’Wilhelm Washington Jr. will be teaching ENGR 204b: Wave-Particle Duality Applied to Modern Engineering.

“My father D’Quawndae Sr. and I used to fuddle around with quantum theory in our garage, so teaching this class is going to be a dream come true,” Washington said. “I only joined the team because they said I could teach.”

Senior starting quarterback Kevin Mitchum aims to use the policy-shift for a more expressive purpose. He’ll be teaching Art 36: Super Important Lady Statues. “I’m a huge art dude, ask anyone,” said Mitchum. “I’m definitely not teaching this one because of the boobs or whatever.” Junior wide receiver Quincy Edwards also looks forward to a foray into the arts; he’ll be instructing Art CS 112: Finger Painting.

In total, football players will teach a total of 86 classes next quarter in departments ranging from Biology to Classics. Here are some to look for during your second or third pass times.

–          FILM 22: The King’s Speech Was Boring

–          MATH 13: Who Benches the Most?

–          COMM 34: Talkin’ Trash

–          LING 22: Making Bomb-Ass Linguine

–          C LIT 69: Translating the Comedies of Balzac

Despite the swirling of controversy around the team, the Argentinean Cowboys look to maintain their undefeated streak against a formidable State defense this coming Saturday at Harder Stadium.

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