“Something has gone terribly, terribly wrong,” stated UC Regents Vice President, Alan Tucker, “and there’s only one way to fix it.”
Despite the valiant efforts of UC officials to compensate for this year’s tight budget by systematically erasing the arts and humanities via engineered natural selection, UC Regents now state that they will be forced to section off and sell some of UCSB’s most beloved campus structures in order to meet their budget demands.
Original planning for the project began as early as April 2011. Reportedly, the plan had dubious infant stages which involved board members closely considering selling the beach-side residence halls of Anacapa and Santa Cruz and turning them into a refreshing get-away for Santa Barbara’s B celebrities.
“We thought it might cut costs if we could relocate the students into the abandoned business park in old town Goleta,” explained Treasurer Harry Rickman from his home in northern Santa Barbara, “But they eventually decided against it,” he continued, rolling his eyes at Tucker, who sipped a martini across the table.
Although official implementation of the plan isn’t set until January of 2012, preparations are well underway. The final pieces to be sold include, but are not limited to, Campus Point, the student’s surfing haven which is now rumored to become a first-class acute care mental hospital; the outside study rooms of Bren and Harold Frank hall, where Steve Martin intends to hold most of his business lunches in order to retain the seclusion of his own Santa Barbara home; the Women’s Center in the Student Resource Building and the Santa Catalina pool area.
“It’s better this way,” explained Rickman as he lackadaisically locked the gate to the Santa Catalina pool off from a motely group of first-year swimmers who stood shivering in their ill-fitting swimsuits.
Secretary and Chief of Staff Elizabeth Dowdell confirms that although the SRB Women’s Center will be sold, most of the SRB’s mental health services will still be available.
“For a small price, students can still get that massage or sit in the Egg Chair and day dream after a stressful day,” she stated. “We’re thinking of limiting the Egg Chair to anxiety cases only though, since those are usually the rich white kids anyway. But that’s off the record.”