The Old College Try

By Jeff Himes, Eighth Year
Having been a college student for nearly a decade, I finally feel as though I’ve collected enough wisdom, knowledge and morning-after pills to give those aspiring scholars a bevy of good advice that is applicable not only in college, but in all situations that necessitate breathing. If the following advice raises any questions, don’t be afraid to consult your closest licensed medical professional.

-If you find yourself nervous before a final exam, do not panic! In fact, it’s not a bad idea to get your hands on all the anti-anxiety pills you can. Take a few, of course, to take the edge off, but consider selling them at a marked-up price as well. Knowing that you are financially secure will off-set the anxiety of that big test.

-It is completely normal to miss your family while being away from them for the very first time. You can ease this pain, however, by corralling others on your floor and designating them roles in your “new family”. Didn’t you always want a little brother? Well now that kid who plays guitar in the Rec Room can fill that void!

-If you find that hazing in your fraternity has a lack of spirited creativity, re-watching the Saw, Jackass, and Hostel movie series’ will easily revitalize any esteem that’s been lost in your frat’s torture ceremonies.

-Never accidentally exchange your rape whistle for your slide whistle. You could inadvertently make a bad situation worse.

-Never bring your friend who spends a lot of his time alone, in his bedroom, on the Internet to a black light party. You might end up embarrassing the both of you.

-Ladies, vomiting is a dangerous way to lose weight, but an excellent way to show that special someone your interested.  Keep this in mind around Valentines Day as few things woo more effectively than voiding the contents of your stomach in front of that big crush. Remember, if he holds back your hair, you’ve got him!

-Sex is fun, but it can be also dangerous, especially if you are having sex with a full-grown panther. As with any sex, protection such as spermicidal lube, latex condoms and full-body chainmail is recommended to maintain a safe and satisfying coital experience between you and your jungle cat of choice.

-Pregnancy is an important part of any college students experience at a university. As a female, if you find yourself pregnant or potentially pregnant (the difference between these two things matters very little) the best idea is to take care of it, whatever that means…I mean you make the call…it’s your decision…I mean, yeah. I support you.  If you are a dude, tell all of your friends. Nothing will garnish you more respect from your peers than biological evidence of your potency.

-Sign all contracts in blood. Not necessarily your blood, any blood will work. However, the more related to the blood you are, the more legally binding the contracts become (I.E. Your dad’s blood = Very Binding, Your second cousin’s blood = Practically Void).

-While traveling abroad, it’s a bad idea to let people know what country you are from, especially if you are from Good ol’ US of America. They hate us out there. So to keep people from thinking that you are a nosy tourist, don’t ever speak, no matter what. Using pointing and using head gestures will save time and spare you the undue burden of having strangers not like you. If you must talk, always say that your name is the same as that countries most revered person. I.E. France: Charles DeGaulle, Rest of the world: Dakota Fanning.

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