After bravely hacking his way through the jungles of Caje, grinning into the icy winds of Sabado Tarde’s 6900 block, and trudging through the festering swamps of Anacapa Residence Hall, junior Classics major Hernan Cortes successfully conquered an impressive collection of South American virgins. Cortes journeyed from the far off lands of Indio, CA, to explore the previously uncharted pubic territories of Guadaplupe, Julia, Ines, Marisola, Gloria, and Sofia, each of whom are of South American descent, after hearing rumors of their virginal existence in the dorms. “My expedition has been rigorous; las nativas have begun to worship me as a god, and love me as a man,” transcribed Cortes in his travel journals. “However, I have accomplished what I set out to do. The Colombian, Argentinian, and Peruvian regions have been thoroughly deflowered.” Later, Cortes was reportedly seen eyeing freshman Andrea Fernandez, a Chilean girl, with a hungry fervor.