Recently, researchers unearthed a mysterious, white, gelatinous substance while excavating Mitch McConnell’s great-grandfather (Franklin the Turtle)’s tomb. In a shocking twist of events, one of the researchers decided it was a “hilariously idiotic” idea to pop the supposed “morsel of insatiable goodness” into his mouth—his words, not ours. Now, researcher Dr. Carlton Bumblebones has been taken to the Northeastwestern Ward at Ketchup Clinic, NY, with an acute case of diarrhea.
“My ass,” he said. “It feels like a waterfall of Elmer’s is coming out, but it’s so damn sticky it’s created a fucking web down there! I swear to God, Charlotte from Charlotte’s MOTHERFUCKING Web is down there trying to hatch her children. What did I eat?! WHERE’S THE LAMB SAUCE!!!!!!!!”
What he ate, as was determined by chemical analysis of soil samples at the site, was none other than a primitive marshmallow, created by the ancient BoomChikaPop civilization during the late 1st period of human history. Wedged between what’s believed to be a highly advanced pizza oven and perhaps a cure for the common cold, scientists discovered that these marshmallows were not ordinary marshmallows.
“What we have here is a complex geometric association of sugar molecules blended together at rapid speeds—faster than a human mind can comprehend (unless, of course, they have copious experience playing rhythm dance games). In layman’s terms, it’s a hyperpolarized prismatic multi-subunit complex consisting of ratcheting balls and chains that conglomerate into a highly ordered 5th dimensional orangutan. Really, any dingus with any dingdongs could figure it out,” said Harvard University chief researcher, Dr. Dingus Durmsley.
Perhaps a higher testament to these ancient marshmallows’ gooeyness is the fact that they remain sticky to this day. Tests run at the CDC found high levels of “Gooey Factor J” embedded within the marshmallow’s active site. They say the BoomChickaPop people may have used the magical mallows as a way to pay homage to a mythological deity, PuffPuff the Magic Marshmallow Man. Some say this is the basis for the Ghostbusters movie… a complete rip-off of the myth.
Others have said that the substance may have been the basis for those unsightly puffy jackets that people don’t like to wear out in public, but end up doing so anyway because of the unimaginable warmth they provide.
“Oh yes, it’s very warm inside,” said expert Macy’s shopper Karen Chad Broseph. “It makes me feel like complaining to every manager ever, like I’m the only girl in the world. The puffy exterior fuels my inferiority complex, and warms up my body with the strength of a thousand suns. I feel untouchable. Like seriously, if they touch me, I’m calling their manager. No wait, the police. No…wait…the PRESIDENT.”
Some have wondered how these marshmallows came to exist in the first place, and the origins are shocking: petroglyphs found at the site of excavation have revealed the marshmallows’ roots actually trace back to a batch of yams at the first Thanksgiving, when the BoomChikaPop toppled the colonial armada trying to take over the land. Yes, in a shocking twist of fate, it turns out that Thanksgiving wasn’t exactly the “Kumbaya” hand-holding event that everyone assumes it was. Here’s a picture of the glyphs:
Based on these designs, it seems the colonists got “thwacked” straight into oblivion due to how awful the yams were.
“Really, it’s a sociological phenomena that we’re seeing here. Basically, the yams were already too sweet and mushy, and then those people decided to add the native marshmallows to the mix?! They were just asking for trouble. Who does that anyway?? Adding marshmallows to yams, that’s just messed up. This likely led to the BoomChikaPop people disbanding their alliance with the colonists and then disappearing forever. They were probably mallowing in their own sadness,” says historian Joseph McCarthy.
The BoomChikaPop decided to hide forever within Atlantis’ nooks and crannies in order to evade discovery. It’s rumored that the colonists they “thwacked” may have even been the lost colony of Roanoke, a horrific American story that still baffles anthropologists. Regardless, the next interesting question is how exactly the marshmallows ended up in Franklin the Turtle’s tomb. For that, scientists at University of California, Soggy Donuts (UCSD) tracked traces of the radioactive element, Gelatin-69, in order to trace the mallows’ locations throughout time. They found heavy traces of the element within deep recesses in the Atlantis Mountains, but interestingly enough, also heavy traces by Franklin the Turtle’s tomb—the two locations that were already known… Turns out, these scientists didn’t learn squat. Luckily, documents recovered from Franklin’s study in his shell mansion gave some idea to how they got there. Here’s an excerpt from his diary:
I had a marshmallow today. I found it on the floor. It looked very delicious. I wonder if my descendants will push political deadlock till the day they die? No matter, the marshmallow was fluffy, and sweet. Although, I think it may have been of the bizarre sugar-free variety. I am currently writing this from my toilet. My bowels feel as if they are exorcising a demon from the nether regions of my behind. It seems, like those damned sugar-free gummy bears, that these sugar substitutes maybe aren’t the greatest things around. Splenda ain’t splendid. Mallows don’t mellow. If I end up dying on this toilet, I need to document this occasi…
As it’s quite plain to see, Franklin never got off that toilet.
So, how exactly did these marshmallows get sugar-free, why were they found by Franklin, and who took the cookie from the cookie jar? Behold as none of these questions are answered, while even more are raised:
“How many times do you have to see the evidence? How many times must the point be made? We’re causing our own extinction. Too many red lines have been crossed. And our home has, in fundamental ways, been polluted by avarice and political megalomania. Genetic power has now been unleashed and of course, that’s going to be catastrophic. This change was inevitable from the moment we brought the first [marshmallow] back from extinction. We convince ourselves that sudden change is something that happens outside the normal order of things, like a car crash, or that it’s beyond our control, like a fatal illness. We don’t conceive of sudden, radical, irrational change as woven into the very fabric of existence. Yet, I can assure you, it most assuredly is. And it’s happening now. Humans and [marshmallows] are now going to be forced to coexist. These creatures were here before us. And if we’re not careful, they’re gonna be here after. We’re gonna have to adjust to new threats that we can’t imagine. We’ve entered a new era. Welcome to [Marshmallow] World.Dr. Ian Malcolm, chaos theory specialist (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom)
The bottom line is: Don’t put marshmallows on your yams. It’s not cool.
“Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom”. 2018. Directed by J.A. Bayona. Universal Pictures Studio