Build a Breakfast Buffet and We’ll Tell You Which 18th Century Literary Trope You Are with Surprising Accuracy!

How do you like your eggs?
I don’t
When was the last time you cried?
Last week
Earlier today
As an infant
Currently crying
Some reasonable time like three months ago
What type of cereal do you like?
Sugary cereal
Healthy laxative cereal
Hot oatmeal
Currently crying
A handful of cold, dry oats
How would you describe your physicality?
Sexy beast
A diet wouldn’t hurt
I killed God
There isn’t a single lid I can successfully unscrew
I have functioning limbs and organs
What is your favorite type of juice?
Orange juice
Cranberry juice
Meat drippings
Lukewarm water
None of these
What kind of milk are you putting in your cereal?
Pasteurized cow tit
Almond milk
Oat milk
Soy, hemp, just put me down for the second worst answer
I eat dry cereal like a baby
Any meat items at this buffet?
Only plant
Raw oysters on a half shell
Aren’t eggs considered a meat?
What kind of alcohol will be served?
Why would I have alcohol at breakfast?
Vodka, straight
Bloody Mary—hold the celery stick (forever)
Kahlua and a drop of coffee
Which photo speaks to you?
Which of these is NOT permitted at your omelette station?
*You got Satire!*
You charismatic bastard, you. Like the court jester, your humor keeps you alive despite relentless criticism of your political environment. Good luck exposing the corruption in your hometown without mysteriously disappearing overnight. I would tread lightly if I were you; I myself stay strapped at all times. “Alex,” I hear you saying, “guns are dangerous, wah wah I’m a scared little diaper baby.” You want to know what’s dangerous? When your arch nemesis Mr. _______ and his cronies finally get the jump on you in some dark alleyway! All jokes aside, if you want to survive to jest another day, you best keep that thang on you. -Pope
Cutting in line
*You got Sensibility!*
Wow, are you okay? You’re so boring, I’m not even sure you’re real. Would it kill you to do something spontaneous? Don’t give me any of that “Calm down, Mary” bullshit; I will not calm down. You have the world at your feet and all you want to do is sit around the house? Are you kidding me? How about you turn off that stupid reality show and go protest something. Why not read a book with all that time you spend on Instasnap, you ungrateful turd! -Wollstonecraft
Any of the things pictured in the last question
*You got Adventure!*
Adventure is your middle name! Seriously though, have you ever thought of changing your middle name? If it isn’t already “adventure,” that is. I know what you’re thinking, “Daniel, that’s way too rash!” I’ll let you in on a little secret: when you’ve been bullshitting around the globe for as long as I have, you come to learn that there are no rules. You can literally do whatever you want; the consequences will be minor at worst. Don’t like your name? Change it! Hate your hometown? Catch the next flight out of there! You only THOUGHT there were rules against such things. You can do literally anything on earth, don’t choose to be boring! -Defoe
Eye contact
*You got Gender and Sexuality!*
You think you can hurt my feelings? The “mother of feminism” died giving birth to me. Refused an education, I taught myself to write by tracing the letters on her headstone. What were you doing between the ages of 16 and 18? I lost my virginity on my mother’s grave! I married a free-love twink after his pregnant wife mysteriously drowned! My sister committed suicide out of love for the selfsame twink! I had a baby, the baby died, AND I wrote one of the greatest novels of all time. When my twink husband drowned I kept his heart in a jar on my desk. My books are so good, people are STILL refusing to give me credit. Where would you be without me? WHO would you be… without me? -Shelley
*You got Colonialism!*
Yikes. How does it feel to be the toxic one among your friends? I suggest you check yourself before you wreck civilization, my friend, because it’s not looking good right now. I’ve been around the block a few times, so I’ve gotten pretty good at judging friend from foe. To put it colloquially: your vibes are way off, dude! “Don’t patronize me, Olaudah, you don’t even know me.” It hurts, doesn’t it? I think you could use a lesson in empathy, or perhaps a refresher course in basic human decency. Always remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. -Equiano

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