We’ve all been there: it’s a few weeks into November, and you’re roaming the aisles of Bed Bath & Beyond, searching for that painfully autumnal addition to your cutlery collection. Gazing at the seemingly never-ending shelves of multicolored silicone utensils, you wonder which will be the one to turn your green bean casserole into the talk of your community Facebook page. 

Only this time, you’re hungry for more. Thanksgiving is approaching fast, and you need to make sure your immediate family knows that even during a global pandemic you can still cook the same six bland recipes that you have for the past fifteen years! Maybe this year will be the year where your kids finally eat all their vegetables. Maybe this year will be the year where your spouse doesn’t try to hide their disgust for your dry-ass turkey by drowning it in store-bought gravy from concentrate. Only time will tell… 

But, if you’re desperate to spend October’s paycheck on some newfangled kitchenware, look no further! This personality quiz will pinpoint just what you need to spice up your Thanksgiving holiday (and recipes). Thank us later. Or now. Whatever. You’re welcome.

Add up the numbers of each of your responses to find your utensil!

What’s your favorite season?

1. Spring
2. Summer
3. Fall
4. Winter
5. None of the above

Least favorite family members?

1. Your parents
2. Your siblings
3. Your aunts/uncles/cousins
4. Your grandparents
5. Your children

Favorite childhood place to spend time in?

1. Your room
2. Backyard
3. Library
4. Secret portal that led to an alternate universe where everyone has buttons for eyes
5. Garage

If you could only listen to one of these bands for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

1. Coldplay
2. U2
3. Weezer
4. Nickelback
5. 100 gecs

If you had one superpower from this list, what would you choose?

1. Flight
2. Mind reading
3. Super speed
4. Super strength
5. Acid piss

Least favorite 80’s hairstyle

1. Mullet
2. Slicked-back
3. Farrah Fawcett
4. Headband
5. All of the above

Which form of capitalism is your favorite?

1. What’s the difference?
2. Laissez-faire capitalism
3. Corporate capitalism
4. Social capitalism
5. There is no difference.

An argument breaks out over the Thanksgiving dinner table. What do you do?

1. Stay out of it and eat your cream of corn in silence. Let them hash it out
2. Excuse yourself and escape to the restroom
3. Try to calm everyone down: “C’mon guys! It’s Thanksgiving D:” 
4. Voice support for the side you agree with, defeat the opposition (Grandma)
5. Fling mashed potatoes wherever you sense movement

Your zodiac sign?

1. Scorpio, Virgo, Gemini
2. Pisces, Libra, Cancer
3. Taurus, Capricorn, Aries
4. Sagittarius, Leo, Aquarius
5. What does this have to do with what cooking utensil I am

Would you rather eat a broom or kick a puppy?

1. Eat the broom, boiled
2. Eat the broom, mashed
3. Kick the puppy
4. Now, you didn’t specify how hard I have to kick the puppy…
5. Both, fuck you

Results:

0-9 Perpetual motion machine.

Theoretically, you shouldn’t exist!

10-12 Cutting board.

You’re a reliable and durable friend, and can take anything that’s thrown your way! 

13-15 Rolling pin.

You’re a go-with-the flow kind of person, but dependable when you need to be. You tend to get attached to things.

16-18 Crockpot.

Slow and steady wins the race! You tend to take a bit more time on things, but the results are so, so worth it.

19-21 Measuring cup.

Quit constantly comparing yourself to others, girl! No need to pour some water out, lean down to check where the level is, realize that it’s just under ¾ cups, then add some more water and repeat the process a couple more times. You are perfect just the way you are, right now. I’m sure your recipe will come out fine. ❤

22-24 Cast iron skillet.

Turn up the heat, baby, ‘cause you can take it! You work best under high-stress situations, and hate showers. 

25-27 Carving fork.

You’re a bit of an oddball, but highly specialized in your craft. When someone needs an expert in the field, they know just who to call.

28-30 Baster.

I mean, what is there to say about a baster. You’re a giant eyedropper filled with grease and salt. The dictionary definition of “baster” is: “a tube with a rubber bulb used to take up and release melted fat or gravy in order to moisten roasting meat.” How am I supposed to write a personality description based on this without just insulting you to your face? You quite literally suck.

31-33 Chicago Metallic Commercial II Traditional Uncoated 16-3/4 by 12-Inch Jelly-Roll Pan.

34-36 Casserole dish.

Your friends often call you the “mom friend” of the group, as your naturally warm and supporting demeanor just seems so, so safe. You’re the kind of person to bring snacks for everyone at the weekly sales meeting.

37-39 Meat thermometer.

You’re a judgy person, but not necessarily in a bad way. You are quick to determine how trustworthy an acquaintance is, and know just where to draw the line with your friends’ toxic behavior.

40-42 Cheese grater.

Ah, you’re the type of person to tell everyone that you have “crackhead energy.” Perhaps you had a scene phase in middle school? Listened to nothing but My Chemical Romance for the entirety of 9th-10th grade? Either that or you just run an offensive meme page on Instagram consisting entirely of Reddit screenshots with 400 followers. 

43-45 Potato masher.

Sometimes you just like to let go. Lose control for a bit. Get silly. Nothing too extreme, but there’s something about the repeated motion of brutally smashing things into a pulp that’s just… therapeutic. You probably work out a lot. That or play a lot of FPS games.

46-48 Whisk.

Are you okay? Like mentally? If I’m being honest, you’re a bit unhinged. You have some anger management issues, a bad relationship with your family, and tend to view the world with a pessimistic attitude. Have you ever considered therapy? 

49-50 Food processor.

Do you ever get tired of constantly being a sardonic pain of the ass to absolutely everyone around you? Have you ever realized that no one enjoys your rampant and self-destructive cynicism? Being a nihilist isn’t a personality trait, you sociopathic narcissist. 

51-∞ Carnot engine.

Maximum kitchen efficiency for overachievers. Your cooking techniques are so efficient that they disobey the laws of thermodynamics. You have ascended to achieve the title of Holy Master Chef Extraordinaire, Jesus Ramsey Incarnate. Hallowed be thy countertops.