Your Weekly Wrap-up: News from the Underground

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News from the UNDERGROUND

Rat News, 24/7 news for rats

Rat Damon, famous rat actor, here to give you the low down on the underground, showing you ALL the headlines you missed this week. Here’s what you missed in…  

Local: Russian Studies Major Overdoses on Calming Tea; She Went Peacefully

The service was steeped in existential angst. 

University: New Frat Philanthropy Venture: Frats Generously Give Community Extra Positive Cases in very Negative Times

Sig Pi and Sig Ep official joint statement: “You’re welcome, bra.” Talk about networking!

Truth: Nancy Drew: “I found out who sent me this dildo, and it wasn’t who I expected!”

After burning many bridges, I found out it was Old Man Jenkins trying to cope with his wife’s death!

Opinion: Donald Trump Chia Pet Found in White House, Contradicts this Meme

White House staff say Trump “loves his pet, it’s his favorite thing in the world, no one loves it more than him.” Unfortunately, he is planning on losing it in the move, along with several sea monkeys.

Poem of the week: 

There’z no rules in this hole in the wall, Mom,

Can’t tell you where I’ve dug in.

I know liberty, I rule this mouse.

That’s it from me, Rat Damon. See you next time.