Satisfied with the Successful Appointment of Justice Coney Barrett, Senator Ted Cruz Is Sure He’s a Very Smart Boy

“History is clear,” said Senator Ted Cruz, defending the Senate Republicans’ decision to move at unprecedented speed to nominate Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the SCROTUS. 

Sen. Cruz, a high profile Republican and member of the Teabag Party, says the appointment follows a clear precedent:

“The SCROTUS is the most important judicial body in the United States; their decisions descend slowly and passionately onto the face of American law. Of every president who has had a SCROTUS vacancy during an election year, and has shared the majority party in the Senate, the Senate vigorously advanced their nominee to completion. See, this explanation accounts for my not supporting the 2016 nomination of Judge Garland. I possess logic.”

When Gaucho Marks asked Sen. Cruz whether he considers this to be a politically motivated decision, Sen. Cruz demurred. 

“It’s not politics. It’s civics. The founders designed this process to be a check on the president’s power, and we refuse to check the president’s power. So, history is clear. It’s really that simple.” 

Commenting on whether he can hear himself, Sen. Cruz reports:

“Which newspaper is this again? Who are you?”

On whether the nomination process is undermined by there literally being an election going on, Sen. Cruz responded, “Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb,” while plugging his ears and walking away. Keats and Yeats may be on your side, Sen. Cruz, but Wilde is on mine. 

This graphic brought to you by the Federalist Society

Though generally uninformative, the hearing process has been contentious, as illustrated by Sen. Kamala Harris’ questioning of Coney Barrett:

Sen. Harris: Judge Barrett, do you believe that all people in America are entitled to equal protection under the law, per the 14th amendment to the Constitution?

Coney Barrett: I would have to consult the academic literature to make a decision on that.

Sen. Harris: Judge Barrett, do you believe that “we [be] the people,” per the preamble to the Constitution?

Corny Barrett: Senator, you know I can’t answer that. 

A source from inside the Barrett house reports that Barrett’s wonder-husband, Jesse of South Bend, IN*, played the role of Sen. Harris while practicing the hearing with Coney Barrett. The unnamed source reported to Gaucho Marks:

“We were very nervous, given Sen. Harris’ penchant for making dummies cry. The children helped too. Considering they haven’t yet learned about the Sound of Music, they made very good Senators.” 

The Republicans’ lines of questioning to the 3-year old judge were equally hard-hitting. Sen. John Cornyn smoked Coney Barrett with the tough: “Judge Barrett, is it true that you’re a mother? As in, you have children?” Sen. Chuck Grassley went in on Coney Barrett with a scathing cross-examination: “Judge Barrett, you have beautiful eyes.” 

Our only hope now is that Coney Barrett can truly separate her personal life from her judicial decisions and that her record on the 7th circuit is as true to the Constitution as Republicans claim. The consequences of Barrett’s appointment are yet to be seen, and we at Gaucho Marks look forward to joining the Alaskan grizzly bears for hibernation this winter and never waking up. 

*Why do I know so many people from South Bend, IN now? I want off of this train.