Welcome, Chad. If you’re here, then it’s because you’re an ultimate RAGERfuggin Bro. You may miss your bros, but it’s not the end of your party woes. You have had three years of killer ragers, and this year you’re like, “No way I can achieve that peak again.” But BRO, you’re just beginning.
This is the be-all, end-all guide to successfully shooting your shot while sheltering in place. First, achieve the l’ambiance:
Step 1: Blacklight.
Step 2: Close all the windows.
Step 3: Turn on the oven. Damn, that’s hot.
Step 4: Achieve that frat party smell by spilling vodka on the floor and taping Parmesan cheese to your air conditioner.
Step 5: Put on this sad, sad video & the first playlist that comes up on Spotify when you type in ‘frat’.
Once you start dancing, your sweat will begin the water cycle.
“At parties, I used to feel alone in a crowded room. Now, with Halloween-at-Home, I feel alone in an EMPTY room. Thanks Gaucho Marks!”Tanner Wolf, economics major, Sigma Pi
Next, the most important part of any party: The alcohol. Chad, here are some tips on how to achieve the taste and excitement of Isla Vista booze:
- Buy a new handle, pour some out, and then put water in it. Bam. Tastes like free alcohol.
- Did all the other displaced college kids town in your hometown buy all the White Claw? Buy a Bud Light Seltzer. Nobody else buys it, so it counts as philanthropy. Two birds, one stoned.
- Wanna slap the winebag but living with your parents? Ask your mom to hold it! “You’re doing great, sweetie!”
- Do you miss your drunk roommate? Sorry, but this year, you have to be your own drunk roommate. If you can’t annoy yourself, then how in the hell are you gonna annoy anybody else?
To recreate the feeling of Isla Vista police you can imitate their chain link fences with silver streamers and very real barbed wire. Or, just cosplay! Oooohh, kinky and spooky.
So you’re nearing the end of the night…
And the weepies are coming on. Here are some compliments and reassurances to pull you out of that sad drunken stupor:
“Hey you doin alright buddy? Maybe you should slow down a little, drink some water. Let’s head outside for a little together.”
“Are you the pavement? Because you look like you fell on your face…from heaven.”
“Bro, like, let’s just, like, keep vibin’, like, till the day, like, we die or somethin’, like, you know what I’m talking about, like, we just keep, like, going in circles, like, and live out the rest of our lives, like, you know, like, we, like, need to…what, like, was I, like, saying.”
“Jean Paul Sartre postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. Totally righteous bro.”
“I know we just met two minutes ago in the line for the bathroom, but your skin is amazing and you’re absolutely stunning, queen!!!!!!”
The Morning After:
And, Chad…BRO! Remember when you got your bike stolen on Halloween in freshman year? Every partier worth their weight this year is paying someone from Craigslist to steal their bike to get that ~authentic~ feel. Everyone is doing it. Since we’re bros, I will offer you a discount on my bike-stealing services, only $20. hmu. And, without your bike, you can trudge to CVS to buy Tylenol and discount candy corn. Just like the good ol’ times.
“He really did steal my bike!”Justin Chu, biology major, Mu Delta
Miss the Buddha Bowls Hangover Bowl? We would give you a recipe, but we couldn’t get the rights to it, so the closest approximation is 1 baguette + cheddar block + meat + more meat + whole jalapeno + idk coffee? Golden.
After all this edifying material… Chad. Bro. We welcome you to the inaugural committee of the Isla Vista Commission of the Chads. You’ve proven your skills at living right despite severe hardship. I commend you.
Yo, here’s a medal, yo.