Writing My Wrongs: Flat-Earthers, Testicles, and Scapegoats — Letter #1


Dear readers,

We’re probably all going to die. With that being said, I feel the need to apologize to the following people for my wicked deeds.

Riley Brookes: I’m sorry that I let everyone in know that you were adopted in second grade. I know it was supposed to be a secret between the two of us, but I thought it was really funny.

Kaiden Humphry: I’m sorry that I pushed you down the G-building stairway. You said you could do a backflip but never proved it. I thought pushing you down the stairs would force yourself to do it. Maybe you shouldn’t have bullshitted and you would’ve been fine.

Hannah White: I’m sorry for cheating off your spelling test in the fourth grade. I didn’t want to disappoint my family with a poor grade. I still failed. Thanks for nothing, you dumb bitch.

Mr. Fredrick: I’m sorry I called you stupid in front of the whole class, but if you really think that the Earth is flat, then you’re a fucking idiot.

Frank Welder: I’m sorry. I know it seemed like I did nothing to you, but everytime i passed you in the hallway, I constantly insulted you in my mind.

Rose Knox: I’m sorry that I farted in class and then blamed you for it. But it’s not my fault people actually believed me.

Hugo Lugo: I’m sorry for convincing everyone you had three testicles. I knew it was a touchy subject since you only have one.

Wilbur Maldado: I’m sorry that I kept whipping you in the locker room. You had a really fat ass and I couldn’t help myself.

That’s enough for now. Once again, I’m truly sorry for wronging all of you.