Majors That Don’t Exist But Should


Dog Petting

Now available beginning March 2019: Puppy Petting Minor

Posting on Overheard

Majors collect data by wandering campus, IV, and the Manzi common room to listen for the most absurd and out-of-context sound bites to post on Facebook for internet points.

Disappointing Your Mother And/Or Father Figure

Exactly what it sounds like.

Internet Shopping During Lecture

Why listen to the professor when you could scroll Amaz*n? 


On the bus, in the UCen, in the lib, on the Chem lawn, in an egg chair, at your Friday night rager, during finals.

Avoiding People With Clipboards

Majors are able to sense The Clipboard, locate an alternate route, and appear emboldened enough to ward off any fierce volunteer.

Swiping Left

Majors are able to scan, identify, and swipe left on an unsuitable profile at an average speed of .00420-.069 seconds.


Casting suspicion on your friends, co-workers, and that one bitch who took your unassigned assigned seat in section, you know who you are.

True Crime Podcasts

Majors should listen to, write about, and commit true crime.

Internet Stalking

Majors have alternate profiles on every social media platform and are able to track down any individual person.


Majors are subject to random vibe checks.

Napping At 3PM To Avoid Responsibility

The One True Solution to that assignment due at midnight tonight, the dishes piled up in your sink, and your bike’s flat tire.

Thoughts On Hiking

No actual hiking involved.


Majors collect stickers for their hydroflasks with the ultimate task of placing them all on one without any unnecessary overlap.

Smelling Scented Candles at HomeGoods

Ocean breeze really hits different, but what about Orange Jasmine Whisper? Let’s go through the whole aisle again.

Watching TikToks

Senior Thesis is compiling a mashup of the best Tik Toks to measure at least 30 minutes in length.


Class of ‘93 founded the annual UCSB Primal Scream located at the base of Storke Tower.

Zodiac Signs

Chart the stars and discover your shitty personality.

History of Shadow Governments [IMPACTED]

Initiation is required to enter the major.

丫०υቦ   ⊤®️ία∟   ડ十વя♱ડ በΟய.