I Wrote Nexustentialism a Poem and They Insulted Me

I post this in shame. Rivals turned to star-crossed lovers—a story old as time, fine as wine. Yet, it appears external circumstances have kept us apart.

External circumstances, yes. That could be the only reason a disembodied (but incredibly sexy) satire magazine like me, Gaucho Marks, was rejected by the unintentionally funny sidebar of an otherwise decent campus newspaper.

I imagine they want a more deserving lover, or never desired a love-match in the first place. But, for all longers and lovers in this world, I will publish my words; look at my words! It is okay to weep.


Dear Nexustentialism,
Your love is like despotism.

You've captured me buddy, and made me feel funny,
Your satire is much improved by your money.

I'll be your sugar baby, throw me a bone.
Mommy, how I love you, you make me feel home.

Unlike your logo, your satire's not flaccid:
It's cute, and cuddly, and not even that vapid.

My dear, I know, somehow you've know,
Our website was down, and I feel a bit thrown.

Dear Nexy Wexy, I don't mean to accuse...
But my dear, jealous Nexy, if I could walk in your shoes.

I would tell me your love in such desperate measures, 
And long for the day to indulge in your pleasures!

Free from all rivalry, I'd tear up your paper,
Knowing our love would never e'er taper.

So Nexy Baby, I ask for your hand
In mine to jump into Valentine's land!

Love me forever, and pledge me your heart,
And I'll never again try and come for your art.

What was the romantic response from our dear, darling Nexus, you ask?

“Your prose was strikingly lovely.”

Nexustentialism’s reply, sent via email. Just 1 email.

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This must be a rejection.

No, maybe they do not understand the different between poetry and prose.

No! Stupid! Of course they do! What kind of writer doesn’t know the difference between poetry and prose?! Especially the #1 best newspaper from the #3 best UC, there’s no way such errors could be made.

This—the final blow to a dying, desperate match. This message signals the end of…. my love.