Anti-Advice Column / Fall 19 / 11.21


what’s up fuckers. thanks for the q’s. here we go


Where does my CALPIRG money that i pay through BARC go?

         To be honest, no one really knows. In order to fully comprehend the enigma that is CALPIRG, a simple three part process can be enacted.

  1. Look for the nearest CALPIRGian preaching about the next “EcOlOgIcAlLy DeVaStAtInG” extinction event and simply ask them, “Okay, so where does my money go.” I’m sure they’ll fumble around with their words because they don’t typically expect a challenge. CALPIRG, for people who care an awful lot about the fish, tend to act more like the lazy fisherman, content with the mindless fish who accidentally bite the hook, rather than any fish that actually put up a fight.
  2. Counter any response with, “What does that person do?” and send their entire resume-filler’s purpose into oblivion. As they contemplate what exactly goes on with the organization, they’ll start asking the same question… where does that money go? Some try to convince you by slathering linguistically complex verbiage on top of a plethora of allegorical similes to religion, non-profits, etc (as I have just demonstrated), but fear not. It’s mostly bullshit.
  3. After listening to their cyclic ideology, feeling content with knowing you’ve wasted their time from potentially sapping more money from another hapless soul, say, “Nah man, this seems sketchy af” and walk away… congratulations you’re a financial badass. As far as I know, nobody, not even CALPIRG themselves (or at least their disposable heralds on campus) seem to know exactly where that money goes. But I do know one thing, don’t go looking. It’ll only end up in casualties.

I’m a really nice guy, but I keep coming in first. I hate The Office, I take pictures with only the humblest of fish, and I think cats are an adequate enough personality to describe me. I don’t want to be average, because then I’ll be like every other Gaucho. How can I come in last, and stay true to who I am?

         Out of the top of my head, I think you should counter your vibrantly positive qualities by emphasizing that Parks and Rec did what The Office couldn’t, sending unsolicited dick pics (I know, a touchy choice because who wouldn’t bow down to your wonderful, wrinkly, hairy, heralded cock?), and going on the keto diet while repeating: “It’s not a diet… it’s a lifestyle” while shaming your prospective girl every time she mentions eating a tomato.

         Your mediocrity will reach net equilibrium, and even if your performance is not fully authentic, Stacey will keep herself out of your inbox.

Hi Gaucho Marks! I’m a freshman. I was wondering if you could tell me where your favorite study spots are. I’m tired of the library!

  1. CAJE

A perfect candidate if you love acai bowls and a struggle for room temperature seating! Even better if you love the cold and running into everyone that you’ve ever known in your entire life.

  1. Music library

Once you figure out where it is, you’ll obtain subcultural capital. “Oh, where do you normally study?” “Since it’s Thursday, probably the music library… it’s just so quiet! No one goes there!” Boom. You’re so much cooler and amazing and cool and everyone wants to suck your dick because you’re so edgy and so well-versed in underground culture.

  1. SH 2nd floor Collaborative Research Commons

A double-edged sword if you’re an English major and/or are taking an English class right now. On one hand, there’s comfy couches, outlets, and a variety of seating spaces for various levels of comfort. If you’re feeling bold, you can even cozy up in one of the specialization rooms, and I suggest you do ESPECIALLY if you’re not in any specialization so that you can render any undergraduate posturing useless. Additionally, you’ll get to see the grad students and faculty in the wild, beyond the element of preaching by or behind the podium. Who knew, graduate students are humans too! Hearing them speak will make you realize real quick that they’re just as confused, if not more confused, about their life trajectory as you are. You might even get a chance to know them a bit better by just consistently being in the same room with them.

But if you just turned in a midterm in your seminar, it might be best to stay away. You might be a little too exposed to the array of instructors and TA’s you’ve had over your undergraduate career. Maybe you’ll be around when your current TA’s chomping on their carrots and peanut butter in one of the seats in the conference table, hating you, specifically you. Maybe your professor will make some copies and then not greet you, which will make you suddenly anxious about how you discussed Virginia Woolf’s essay. Fuck! You really shouldn’t have said anything at all.

Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll run into a professor who expected great things from you during office hours but gave you a B- on your final paper. Hopefully you’ve glowed up since then.

The choice is yours!

I’ve been dreaming of a certain smell for the past five years of my life. I’m not sure what it is, or whether it’s a memory or a smell of my own creation. How do I find it?

         Are you seriously asking this question right now? What’re you doing waiting for a response, go and chase it. You know what? Ditch any relationships you’ve had: parents, siblings, rivals, lovers, professors, even pets, and follow your nose. Start at the place you lost the smell. What did it resemble? Who does it remind you of? Why was it so fond? Five years is borderline obsessive at this point, so perhaps you might even want to consider a future with this smell as well. Look for houses, book venues, and start calling the relatives you’ll never have talked to until this point for the wedding. It’s clear you haven’t moved on from that smell. It’s special, and I would do everything in my power to find it, and tell it how much you’ve missed it.

         The first place to start is yourself. The tried and true strategy is the scratch and sniff. Hopefully you’re not some narcissistic little bitch. The next place to look is food! Eat any food you encounter, even if it harms your own health. I don’t care if you put on some pounds, because the only thing heavier than you will be the weight your nose has to drag around. And that’s probably worth the future health complications that may arise. At this point, if it’s not yourself or food, I’m guessing you’re going to have to start “making social interactions” with other people. Malls typically exhibit a beautiful blend between sensory aromatic stimulation from the perfume, with the chance to get a variety of smells from a variety of people. Now I know they’re going extinct, but be resolute. Search every mall, food, and person and I’m nearly certain you’ll most likely have a conclusion. Otherwise, you’re delusional. Best of luck!

I’ve been up 3 days in a row. Am I woke yet?

         You’re pretty damn close. The first “woke” guy in history was the Buddha, and he supposedly sat under the banyan tree for 7 weeks, less than an entire quarter! If I was given the option to pay ~$37k for 11 weeks of tuition versus 0$ for 7 weeks of fucking enlightenment… there’s no question. Now of course, there are things to make the process easier to obtain. The first thing to do is gather all your worldly possessions and hurl them into the lagoon. They may pollute the ocean, but thankfully people like CALPIRG, who care SO MUCH about sea turtles, will be there as a safety net. As your beloved material goods all sink to the floor, let your body sink into a deep slumber. Contrary to popular belief, sleeping actually is a critical component of staying woke. Otherwise people will simply assume you’ve got too many midterms as a STEM major, and there goes any chance at a social life!

         You don’t want their pity, you want their respect, so get some damn sleep! At times in the cycle, you may be tempted to eat… shove those urges right back up to where they came from. The body is weak, and even a week of “being up” isn’t going to cut it. Like that grasshopper from that one story that teaches a vague moral message, “you’ve got a long way to go.” Alternate sleeping and being awake to reach a state of abstract equilibrium, where sleep inducing molecules enter the body as lively molecules exit to channel your inner flow. To attain full realization, take a midterm, and fail it. If the realization hits you that most boomers today make equal pay to millennials despite having lesser degrees, then my work is finished… you’re woke.

Is it so wrong to wear my heelys? I don’t have the time or energy for a skateboard but my roommate gives me a disappointed look when I wear them. They light up when I stomp.

         It’s important to be yourself, but not when “yourself” involves committing atrocities under the same umbrella of socks-and-sandals. As a wearer of corrective lenses, I know the horrors of having my eyeballs assaulted by the strobe light effect of light up children’s shoes. I nearly got impaled on a lightsaber while at Disneyland at nighttime, because there was a light-up Sketcher army by the castle… or maybe it was the fireworks. More importantly, Heelys are not even governed by the law. What makes you think you’re so superior to everyone else? Does it feel good to watch all the bikers and skateboarders add onto their student debt while you’re whizzing past them in your Heelys? Well, now that I’m mentioning it, it does actually sound entertaining, but it’s a question of morality!

         Simply put, you think the first caveman that invented the wheel decided the best use of it was to be directly grafted into his foot? Hell no! In fact, he probably thought it was good for everything but transport! I’ve seen many a freshman on their Heelys crash and burn at the bike lanes. They can walk the walk, but when they’re walking a straight line, they really can’t cross the cross, and end up heels first into a bike, skateboard, or even a regular human foot (which may be what you’re after, in which case I can probably respect that).

         But my one serious suggestion: apologize to your roommate. They’re trying to do you a solid, and you keep making them feel weird for being concerned for your mental sanity. Eventually there’ll come a day when you visit Chipotle, they serve you E.Coli-infected lettuce, and your roommate will just conveniently decide not to warn you, because you keep ignoring all their advice and keep strutting around in your fucking Heelys. Listen, if you really base your entire identity on these sneakers, then the best, and most appropriate, place to use them is at The Arbor as a powerful reminder to any solicitors who may challenge your authority, that you have the power to permanently blind them, and sow destruction across your path. Stomp with confidence, and show them the light. But aside from that, don’t let your heels be wheels!


This isn’t a question, but I just wanted you guys to know that none of you are funny. At all.

Nexustentialism is that you? Bring this beef outside the walls of orientation why don’t you!

What can I get for $2.87 in change?

Certainly not your degree back.

how do I?

Adderall, like the rest of us degenerates

How can I tell which of my housemates is trashing their toilet paper covered in shit instead of flushing it like a decent person? We’re talking MULTIPLE BUNDLES of shitty toilet paper in a COMMUNAL bathroom trash can.

Assert your dominance by filling the trash can with your own shitty toilet paper instead, so it cannot hold any more, and check regularly. The culprit will feel helpless as their territory is conquered, and will bow before the new alpha. Do with them as you wish.


(805) 893-3446

Hello, for a long time, after I wet my dick with the piss of a thousand suns, I feel the intense urge to run my hand through my hair to assert my dominance over all other males in the bathroom, and show my lack of fear for germs. Sadly, no one is bowing down to me as their satanic overlord. How can I convince them of my omniscience and omnipotence?

Your attention seeking methods are, frankly, lackluster. There are other ways to assert dominance. Don’t use toilet paper when you shit. Piss onto the foot of the person in the adjacent stall while being fully sober, or sit on a toilet that was pissed on with the lid down. The most pivotal step, lick the Buchanan or Girvetz bathroom (pick your poison) and brazenly declare yourself free from STDs… and then never take an STD test ever.

My problem is: I can’t stop throwing up the peace sign at people. During a conversation, I average at least 4 ✌. My family and friends are sick of it. It started out ironically ✌ to reference a vine ✌ but lately I’ve been ✌ing when I’m by myself at my reflection, my laptop, and my bike lock ✌. Help? ✌


H🤠w did that makes y🤠u fucking feel? Get s🤠me fucking empathy and m🤠ve the fuck 🤠n

I have a cut in my ass. Will I get STDs from sitting on the toilets around campus?

Probably, I’d start lowering my student debt and start raising legal fees because it’s going to be one hell of a ride. Maybe book an appearance on Maury too while you’re at it. Best case scenario, you’ll learn to respect your ass. Worst case scenario, you might be the mom/dad.

How do I stop this guy from talking to me? I guess I look like I’m nice or whatever but this one guy will NOT quit talking to me about anything and everything. Avoiding him is tough in the first place, so, any advice?

People die. All the time.

Do you like green eggs and ham?

I would not, could not, in IV.

I could not, would, with a few mountains lions, times three.

I will not eat them with Daddy Yang.

I will not eat them in any shebang.

I will not eat them at San Joaquin and FT.

I will not eat them at any of the DCs.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Ole-I-am.

Ok so my roommate and I have literally only spoken like 3 times and it’s week like 8 already. They’re like so quiet and I’m like matching their energy and it’s like, yeah, we sleep in the same room. I don’t know her!! What do I ,like, do?

Tell her to read our Fall 2019 print issue, the Timely Warning edition! Comes out on Week 10.

Also she just doesn’t like you so stop trying