Last week, UCSB’s campus cat from Noble Hall, Big Boy, was arrested on social experiment charges. Known as El Gato by his co-conspirators, the cat has been leading a smexy double life. By day, he’s the Internet’s favorite animal. At night, he transforms into a criminal mastermind capable of orchestrating the greatest meme of all time.
Tonight, reporter Huey Gumbo has managed to obtain a rare video call from El Gato to his associates. To help our audience understand what’s going on, we’ve hired animal translator Quetzalcoatl Jemima, an expert in the animal underworld dialect.
DISCLAIMER: Some words have been modified to be more realistic, as the actual event was way too dramatized and exaggerated.
El Gato/Big Boy: *Meow meow meow*
Jemima: Welcome, fellow pussycats. Our feline ferocity is about to be unleashed upon the world. We’ve bided our time, waiting in the shadows for this opportunity. The moon has almost reached its peak: now is the time to strike.
Mountain Lion: *Woof woof woof*
Jemima: El Gato, it’s good to finally hear your voice. I feel as if all this suffering has been worth it. I have already made the necessary preparations for the mission, but where is the getaway man?
Bobcat: *Chirp chirp chirp*
Jemima: I’m here, I got a little caught up with something. I was masquerading as the Berkeley Bear a few hours ago. Now they’re convinced the bear is harmless, but they don’t know Oski. He’s been pissed off ever since Berkeley mistook him for UCLA’s mascot after abandoning him in the forest. As we speak, he’s mobilizing the NorCal unit for takeover. Wait, why are we so pissed again?
El Gato: *Quack quack quack*
Jemima: We all know why. It’s because of the abuse they inflict upon us. Do you know how hard it is to hear, “Wow, what a nice pussy,” all day from the most random strangers? I don’t know them. They don’t know me. I hope they realize when they pet me that underneath my majestic fur lies a very real, albeit neutered, dick. And dicks can be hard to deal with. Don’t forget, rage is an emotion shared by all of us here today.
Mountain Lion: *Mooooooooo*
Jemima: Of course, I’ve been taking NyQuil to put myself to sleep ever since they called me a threat. First they sent that email that said, “A mountain lion was spotted on campus near Campus Point… avoid area until further notice.” And then… those fuckers still have the audacity to follow that up with, “Mountain lions are quiet, solitary and elusive, and typically avoid people by nature.”
How could they say that to me?! It’s the equivalent of yelling “FIRE!” in a closed building right before telling people that you’re actually talking about your FIRE mixtape. It’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen. And this is supposedly one of the best universities in the world… supposedly. But that’s a high conspiracy theory for another day.
Bobcat: *Oink oink oink*
Jemima: Well, at least you’re not Oski. When I said he got abandoned, I should’ve said he got tossed aside like a freshman’s sense of rationality and balance on Halloween. Once Berkeley got kicked out of the college rankings this year, they fired the poor bear. No pension, no severance, nothing! Oski was practically pissing into the same spruce tree every single night. The tree adopted a Sprite-bottle-green color as a result, and Berkeley botanists mistakenly classified it as a new species and won a Nobel Prize.
El Gato: *Scream scream scream*
Jemima: Our fellow brethren, how far have they fallen? How long must they bear this agony? Well then, why are you doing this, Bobcat?
Bobcat: *Skrrt skrrt skrrt*
Jemima-To understand that multifaceted issue, I must also state my origin story…
Mountain Lion: *YEET*
Jemima: Ah shit, here we go again!
Bobcat: *Honk honk honk*
Jemima: It was a cold night in Siberia. I was born to three bobcats. My father, Fildo Saggins, was a legendary bobcat. He pounced around the Siberian wilderness with an air of arrogance, zipping like a jacket in and out of the snow . In his kingdom, he felt like the hunter, never the hunted. In fact, I can hardly recall a time when a hunter ever caught him. Until one did and that was the end of him.
My mother, Vibrato Penetrato, was from one of the bobcat branch clans, who married into the main house by way of seduction. A geisha from birth, she used James Charles tutorials online to master her craft and join the fam. She was the one who taught me my masterful disguise techniques from an unhealthily young age. I’ve been acting since I was 0 years old, you know. That whale in Free Willy, you can bet your pussy that was me. I had to put on 11,911 lbs of solid butter to oil my skin for the role, and of course, gain some weight. I also had to learn to swim, which was one of the most traumatic moments of my life. I traded away my ability to swim in order to act. That’s how it goes in showbiz.
Anyways, soon my mother died, and I hid in the basement of a nuclear arms ship on its way to California and began my career as a for-hire human impressionist. I was a great hit at kids’ parties. The parents couldn’t even tell the magician they hired to make their children vanish was a little better at the disappearing portion than they initially believed. Of course, it didn’t help that no amount of makeup would cover up the blood on my hands.
El Gato: *Gobble gobble gobble*
Jemima: You ate children… so you mean to tell me that you can unhinge your jaw to eat a fully developed child? You mean to tell me that a cat purposefully chose to swallow an entire headful of hair?
Bobcat: *Skrrrahh, pap, pap, ka-ka-ka*
Jemima: No, I never ate children. Their incessant tantrums have made them taste slightly acidic and bitter from years of adolescent exploration. The blood was my own. Children hate child entertainers even more than they hate actual bloodthirsty animals. How can animal abuse exist in a world where clown abuse doesn’t? What about the magicians, the party animals, etc? It makes no sense! With the pain I felt from these children, I swore to perform the greatest illusion of all! I’m so in tune with my art form, I was able to infiltrate and graduate from UC Merced with an Arts and Dance degree.
El Gato: *Squirtle squirtle squirtle*
Jemima: Wouldn’t they recognize a bobcat roaming around campus?
Bobcat: *Bleat bleat bleat*
Jemima: Ah, silly pussycat. Since their mascot was a bobcat, those discombobulated fools assumed I was just one really sweaty kid in a mascot costume that had the balls to take classes and endure bullying at the same time. And they were right about that second one… it was pretty damn rough. That’s why I’m here today.
El Gato: *Sing sing sing*
Jemima: What about you, mountain lion? How did you come to UCSB?
Mountain Lion: *Skidiki-pap-pap*
Jemima: My cousin Robbie was the original mountain lion spotted in the Spring Quarter. Reddit memes destroyed his career, and now he makes a living posting pictures of himself on r/RoastMe. He’s lost his friends, family—except me—and even his back scratcher (a rock tenderly selected from the mountain top). He was just trying to enjoy a nice, peaceful vacation like everyone else. And he died… while trying to fucking relax. I intend to finish what he started. They killed my cousin. Prepare to die!
El Gato: *Trumpet trumpet trumpet*
Jemima: Let’s save some of that crackhead, killer mentality to explain the MASTER PLAN!
Mountain Lion: *Pu-pu-pudrrrr-boom*
Jemima: On the 17th, I’ll show up at the beach filled with a bunch of drunk-ass students. I’ll wave to them and ask them what they’re going to with their degree. They’ll panic and run off, projecting their fears of the future onto myself. We will then weaponize this fear to spread panic across campus, prompting the US Navy to launch a covert maritime assault.
Bobcat: *Skya, du-du-ku-ku-dun-dun*
Jemima: Wait a minute! A maritime assault? I don’t want to be drowning in pussy. I know I’m talented, but this exploited bobcat kitten star cannot support two talentless felines like you.
El Gato: *Poom poom*
Jemima: Don’t worry, we’ll be prepared when they arrive. And while they’re gathering forces, we can easily hold back the police presence. Reports indicate they have never seen a mountain lion before and are using early character designs from The Lion King as a criminal sketch. That’s where you come in, Bobcat.
Bobcat: *It’s lit*
Jemima: I see… so we’re taking advantage of the rarity of mountain lion sightings by the police. Their mountain-lion-sighting virginity, if you will. And I’ll be the decoy, lulling them into a false sense of security! I bet they’re going to put something real catchy, like, “The reported animal was a bobcat who has lived in the area for many years without issue.” Ha! What a laugh! If they only knew of my criminal past. “Without issue” would be the last on a list of words they’d use to describe me on an issued warning. Meowhahahahaha!!!!
El Gato: *MOMMA! MOMMA! MOMMA!*
Jemima: I thought we already discussed your malicious upbringing. Pray tell, what else concerneth me with thy past?
Jemima: I merely told you about my parents. But not my frother, my father-mother hybrid who taught me everything I really knew. I think you… might actually know them.
El Gato: *We da best music!*
Jemima: Umm….ok? Continue with the plan. Mountain Lion.
Mountain Lion: *Esketit esketit esketit*
Jemima: As the Navy launches its assault, we take their battleships down using the Coast Guards’ own helicopters. All we gotta do is strand a few surfers on the naval ship, and the Coast Guard will send a helicopter to pick up their sorry little deserted asses. Once the helicopter flies into position, we will launch our hidden missiles filled with all the cat food they’ve been feeding you over the year, Big Boy. The food will dribble into the fuel tanks of the ship, thus causing the ship to gently puke out a rainbow on the spectrum of moist to extremely dank.
El Gato: *Ribbit ribbit ribbit*
Jemima: Precisely, we have to keep generating those dankest memes to draw attention to the cause. It’s the greatest form of propaganda! Those imbeciles over at Noble Hall think I’m Big Boy, the ‘fat cat’ with a lovable rustic charm to me, complemented by my unassuming, gentle nature and my incredibly yellow eyes. But they should know by now that I hate fish; it makes me think of the REEF Center Raid in 2001. I had almost perfected my Naruto run, but a misstep led to me falling into a koi pond and ruining the mission—
Jemima: You… okay, Boss? It seems like you’re having some PTSD.
El Gato: *Wobbuffet*
Jemima: …Oh yeah, I’m fine…I think. Anyways, where’s our social media specialist? We need him to establish the legitimacy of our Internet reputations by ensuring our sightings on Reddit, Snapchat, and other platforms. We will be enshrined as the dankest memes in the galaxy!
Mountain Lion: *BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP*
Jemima: We have a social media expert? That’s a position now?! What kind of wacky a—
Storke Tower: *BONGBONGBONGBONGBONGBONGBONGBONGBONGBONGBONG*
Jemima, who took out a second mortgage on her house to pay for another year of university to study Architectural Linguistics: Big Bong Energy. Bong BONG bong. Bong BONG BONG bingo bongo. Bong Bong Bong.
El Gato: *Yiff yiff yiff*
Jemima: Well said, old chap. I knew you’d understand the meme economy! Now Bobcat, after we’ve held the Internet hostage with our adorable antics…
Bobcat: *Bleat bleat bleat*
Jemima: Right, once the Navy has been disposed of, we proceed to lay low for a few months. Since we decided not to do the prank on Halloween, they’ll have no idea when the prank really is… April Fool’s Day.
El Gato: *Coo coo cooo*
Jemima: Exactly, the day dedicated to pranks; it’ll be right in plain sight when we unleash our real scheme! The cultural stigmatization of black cats around Halloween has saddened me, and I intend to shape it for the better.
Mountain Lion: *TWOOOOOOOOOO CHAINZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
Jemima: On that day, the biggest-est boss will use his trash connections to replace all the JUUL pods in Santa Barbara with a catnip vapor extract. Then, the marijuana plantations across the state of California will suddenly fall prey to carnivorous sea slugs, courtesy of disgruntled UCSC mascot, Sammy the Slug. UCI’s Peter the Anteater will use his expertise in ants to unleash a plague of Argentine Ants in the city of Santa Barbara. Thus said the horde! Amidst all the confusion that ensues, Gunrock the Mustang, our Davis liaison, will storm the city with thousands of liberated cows from the fields of Davis. If our San Diego operative still existed, he would’ve been able to add pepper to the sea as planned, making it far more flavorful than the food from the Ortega dining commons. But I guess we should TRITONot think about that too much. Finally, Joe Bruin—from the LA unit—Oski, and Scotty Highlander—the Riverside unit—will use the secret Koi Fish army we’ve been breeding by Storke Tower to raid Freeb!rds and get the cows gassed up on black beans. And if you think that’s stopping me, you’re wrong. We ain’t done yet!.
Using the methane generated from cow farts, the biggest-est boss will summon the mighty ocean breeze using the power of plot armor and douse the entire town in cow farts! Our flatulence-filled finale finally feels finished! As the noxious fumes enter their eyes and nostrils, their food gets covered by ants, their roads get blocked by cows, their weed gets snatched by slugs, and their JUULs convert to catnip, they’ll be helpless. The bourgeoisie will have toppled, letting the animals unite! A New World Order will take place. Animal Farm will become the new Bible and Lucas the Spider will become our puppet leader. Our regime will institute human-animal apartheid! Nuclear weapons will be converted into tennis balls! We resurrect Grumpy Cat! The Rebel Alliance will be crushed. The markets will fumble. AirBud will replace Air Jordan! PetSmart will become HumanSmart! And then, and only then, will we finally have an article funnier than anything that came out of Nexustentialism: UCSB—what a bunch of pussies!
El Gato: *Sksksksksksksk*
Jemima: And best of all, with all the excess methane gas from the farts, we can create a sustainable, renewable source of energy to power the death laser. Let’s see them laugh at us now!
Mountain Lion: *It’s a me, Mario!*
Jemima: We… have a death laser?
Bobcat: *Mustard on that beat*
Jemima: Forget the death laser, who’s the biggest-est boss? I thought El Gato was the head honcho.
El Gato: *Purr purr purr*
Jemima: No, my feline friends. I am merely a pawn in the master’s plan. He is one of the most intelligent, sneaky, and disgusting animals I’ve ever met. Just a select few are permitted to see him. Only the tiger branch over at the lagoon and the fox branch over at Campus Point have seen his face. But, as a treat, he has sent a UCen Bird to tell me he’d be here any min—
Huey Gumbo, waiting for his 15 minutes of fame from the Noble Hall bushes: “It was at this moment that the three feline companions gazed into the darkness. The light glistened across his gray fur, his dark mask made his eyes nearly invisible, his hands were stained with the trash of his enemies. The leader of the shadow triad, the leader of the California animal Yakuza, and the Santa Barbara Feline gang… was none other than Mapache.”
Mapache: *Intimidating Raccoon Noise*
Jemima: They’d rather put that insulting caricature of Olé over me as this school’s mascot.. They discarded me, just like that. They’ll all see! Oh, they’ll fucking pay for that insult. Nobody insults me and gets away with it! Daddy Yang and the rest of those meddling kids will suffer my vengeance. It’s time to take out the trash!
Bobcat: *Clap clap clap*
Jemima: Frother, you’ve come! I knew you’d never forget about me. All those years of grooming me with your tongue have hardened me into a fine, young criminal.
El Gato & The Mountain Lion: *Flip-a-dip-dip*
Jemima: What the fuck?!
El Gato: *Majestic Neigh*
Jemima: Well, I guess I’ll finesse those details later. Mapache, what a grandiose entrance you’ve prepared for yourself. Announcing all those monikers they call you…you almost sounded like a reporter who was secretly trying to have a career as a narrator.
Mapache: *Confused Raccoon Noise*
Jemima: That wasn’t me. It seems someone has infiltrated our meeting. Spread out and find him.
Huey Gumbo (in his best falsetto): Meow meow meow, there’s nothing here to see. I just see a normal looking bush. There is definitely not a reporter behind here. And I definitely have not been defecating back here due to lack of a bathr—
***END OF RECORDING***
Huey Gumbo has never been seen again since this recording’s end. Some say he went to live a solitary life, while others say the mountain lion’s looking a little chubbier than normal. The felines never executed their master plan, as they got too distracted by a ball of yarn. Mapache and Storke Tower banded together to successfully infiltrate the sticker and emojis. Oski and the rest of the NorCal unit succeeded in nearly taking out Berkeley—that is, until the university got their ranking back—the coup was then quietly crushed and covered up. The Bobcat became a featured player for his role as Dame Judi Dench in the Broadway musical Humans: It’s the Creepy CGI Cats movie, but with Humans. Quetzalcoatl Jemima has moved on to dub the home DVD release of Disney’s Earth series. Another mountain lion hasn’t been spotted in the Santa Barbara airport, but enough damage has been psychologically dealt to the student population. Last week, another UCSB student misidentified a piece of cloth for a dead mountain lion on the 101. Though safely under house arrest at Noble Hall, it is believed that El Gato still has plans to execute the prank. It’s not ending; in fact, it’s just beginning. So prepare, prepare for the shitstorm that’s about to hit. Or, should I say, the fartstorm?