As the much-anticipated holiday approaches, you shouldn’t concern yourself about degenerates sneaking edibles into kids’ chocolates. Rest assured, people aren’t going to waste their stash on eight-year-olds who’re just gonna spit it out as soon as they think it tastes like “grass”. And don’t worry about whether or not you can pick up those kegs after work: Keg N Bottle is well-stocked in a pinch. Though I suspect Freddy Kreuger makes it a habit to price their bottles.

However, if there’s anything spooky to beware of, keep the Four Orientalist Horsegirls of Halloween in mind. These ladies proudly represent haunting archetypes, absorbing cultures into their bodies and subsequently shitting them out in steaming, glittery piles of exoticism — studded with empty glitz and glamor. Besides that, they also look extremely embarrassing. If you disagree, just know that you’re also embarrassing and that we’re laughing at you.

Let’s kick off with our local power-grabber.

The weeb that attempted a power play in her anime club…

… but ended up getting ousted because she was 8 shots in and and used the n-word while her contender was black. So now all she does is post polemics about how she was born the wrong ethnicity, how horny she is for anime boys, and thinks of Free! Iwatobi Swim Club and Yuri on Ice smut to write on AO3 while using her vibrator with bloody, bitten lips… for that reason, don’t look up the word “lemon” on her phone. It’s not your beloved citrus fruit anymore.

She also carries around chopsticks in a cheap stationery case from Daiso, but basically only uses them to struggle-stab her breakfast burritos. She also uses her anime edits and her mod experience on MyAnimeList as resume builders.

The chick who feels “pretty in orange”

Oh my God is it a bird? Is it a white girl? Is it a C-grade self-tanner ad?

I guess it’s nice that you feel pretty, Indigo Cusca, but that fake melanin’s pulling some optical illusions… and I suspect that deludes you into thinking you can pull off this look with ease. But aside from the entire bottom half of an ao dai, what’s really missing here is your ability to understand color—both your skin’s undertones, and your… color. It’s a skill to be simultaneously so dusty and so orange, and the reasonable and respectable spirit can only handle so much! This was an elaborate set-up, but I’m not sure it paid off.

Your favorite frumpy kawaii punk girl!

Grier’s the kinda gal that transitioned from her scene phase to her weeb phase when she was 15 but attempts to hybridize and exaggerate both because of her inability to let go of her youth.

She’s also a BTS fan, but won’t admit it because she’s already established herself as a cool anime girl who only watches Cowboy Bebop and Death Note. She obsessively and exclusively listens to ONE OK ROCK to reaffirm the integrity of her scene identity, and also claims to hate music in English because she just doesn’t connect with it enough.

Her ends are fried, her BB cream flakes off in chunks, and she hasn’t washed that tutu and corset since she finally coerced that Korean guy to play with her clit when she harassed him in his church’s parking lot.

The glam girl using glitzy touches of Orientalism to complete her outfit.

We all like pretty, shiny things. So does Juliet Burnette, who loves the simple, “Oriental” things that have been appropriated into a perception of stereotypical whiteness. But she was only born into that appropriation! It’s not her fault that incense, chai (not chai “tea”… Burnette’s a learned stickler for anti-redundancy), and getting her henna redrawn biweekly for the ritual of it are just so good.

But don’t worry! She’s subverted surface perceptions of whiteness through her perfume application, which she tops off with a hint of her “home curry spice blend” (a combination of Costco’s garam masala and more cumin), her weekly Paleo-Keto chicken tikka masala dinners, and her subscription to Pay-Per-View Bollywood movies.

God, she just loves having India in her living room. Who knew you could colonize from the comfort of your own home?

***This article was written in collaboration with Pan Asian Network (PAN), a network that strives to provide better institutional resources and education by and for the Pan Asian community.

Here is their Facebook and Instagram. Follow them to learn more about how you can engage and mobilize with them.