Top 3 UCSB Halloween Events of 2019

Halloween is a wonderful time of free candy, cute little jack-o-lanterns, and scary movies. Although everyone celebrates Halloween differently, the excitement for the infamous, hair-raising, non-federal holiday is infectious. Some like to celebrate by eating Halloween-themed frosted soft cookies and candy corn (neither are “disgusting”; both make up the goddamn backbone of this nation and you fucking know it). Some might dress up in sexy costumes, like Sexy Kermit™. Some begin to think that saying “spoopy” is a personality.

UCSB isn’t one to be left out of the festivities! Students are encouraged to not get white-girl-wasted and blasted the fuck out of their minds. Fed the mantra, “KeEp iT LOcAl, KeeP It SaFe,” students get into the Halloween spirit with fenced-in dorms, inconvenient roadblocks and parking notices, and oppressive 6 p.m. noise ordinances!

But wait, there’s more! Don’t know what to do for Halloween this year? Keep reading for a list of three of the many alternative spooky events to attend at UCSB this Halloween weekend in 2019.

#1: Open Access Collaborate Print Labs Haunted House

Before this apocalyptic, technological nightmare, you simply had to print the document from computer one and then release it to print from computer two. Now when you step in to print something, you don’t know what the fuck is going on because you see tiny little slips of paper taped to the monitors. You squint at one of those slips. You continue squinting at it as you try to print your paper, going through the horrifying maze of step after unnecessary step, some even needing QR codes! You finally get to the last step, and see that you have a balance of $20…

What the fuck is that?

I owe twenty dollars?

Oh, wait.

No. I still have two hundred copies left to print. Lol.

Your document is printed. You snatch it and hastily walk out of the cursed lab. It’s the perfect haunted house experience!

#2: Girvetz Bathrooms of Horrors

You need to shit. Badly. You run into a Girvetz bathroom, catching the slightest glimpse of your own clenching face. You bust through a stall, lock it behind you, and sit down to shit.

Relief.

You look up and, for a split second, make direct eye contact with someone through the two-inch gap of the stall door. Your shit retracts right back up into you as if a samurai’s sword was rising out of the toilet, intimidating your shit back into your body.

Before you can speak, they kick open your stall door. The feeble tab of the lock did nothing. It swings open towards your pitiful outstretched arm. Both of you stare at each other in horror. Apologies are mumbled as you frantically try to swing the door closed.

You continue shitting while leaning both your palms and one foot on the door in front of you, sweating. You pray that nobody else finds you.