Things Elizabeth Warren Doesn’t Have a Plan For

Featured above is an idyllic Warren, maintaining homeostasis and nothing else.

The Democratic party presidential front runner has proven to be a brainy queen. Cool. Entire sections of her campaign website are dedicated to intricate plans on solving corruption in Washington, helping the middle class, pwning Mark Zuckerberg, etc. But, I hear silence from Senator Warren on many issues. Here are my concerns: 

  1. Senator Warren, how are you personally going to cure cancer?
    Aren’t you anti-cancer? Your silence on this is deafening, Senator Warren.
  2. Senator Warren, what is your plan on avoiding bad shrooms trips?
    I find this issue to be pertinent to my community (a mushroom-foraging nudist colony. We’ve had three deaths this year [mostly from foraging bad mushrooms {but one was from skin cancer. We miss you, Jim}. It’s very difficult to tell which ones are poisonous. I would also like to hear a plan for a poison mushroom public awareness campaign, but Senator Warren seems too preoccupied with neglecting cancer]). Must we drink the pee of shamans whose kidneys remove the toxic components? See, a comprehensive plan for productive trips is fundamental to a good education. Are you anti-education, Senator Warren?
  3. Senator Warren, will you prohibit country music from public open space?
    I’m confused as to why you’re not leading the way on this, Ms. Warren. As I understand it, some people find country music festivals to be very obtrusive and offensive to their public parks. On the other side, country music festivals bring jobs to an area, the Dixie Chicks are cool, and I don’t believe there’s any adverse effects besides the copious litter left behind and rising sea levels. I will admit, I’m undecided on this issue, but would like to know where you stand, Senator Warren.
  4. Senator Warren, do you believe in mixing ketchup and mustard on one hamburger bun?
    This one hits home for me. Maybe, perhaps, a certain coexistence between different sauces could be fine. I’ll allow, perhaps—maybe—for some sort of civil union between condiments, but a common bun is too far, and, in fact, disrespectful to my religion. I believe I’ve heard you imply agreement with this stance, but I’m surprised you haven’t dedicated a portion of your website to this issue, Senator Warren.
  5. Senator Warren, do you believe all people should replace their iPhones with iPads?
    I mean, the screen is much bigger and no one uses the phone part anyways. This just makes sense. We can upgrade pants pockets as well to accommodate them. Every American deserves clothes with the pockets of ugly cargo shorts, per the Constitution. Please contact me about this, Senator Warren.
  6. Senator Warren, are you for the legalization of queefing?
    The pro-queefers have really taken over the political discourse. Will you stand for it? Or will you betray the pro-silent sex camp? Tick tock, Senator Warren.
  7. Senator Warren, do you plan to stop making little girls pinky promise you?
    What are you asking them to do for you, Senator Warren?

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Senator, the number of plans you have are impressive. If I could read, I’m sure I would be blown away. As it stands, however, I can see that your only clear plan is to ignore the most basic needs of all Americans.