Local Team Beats Cancer 37 to 14

local team

Boston, Massachusetts – In one of the most exciting games of football ever played the Bahamas Jean Grinders, a local team with arguably the largest and most loyal fan base in football, has clinched the championship title, beating the infamous and brutish team Cancer in a hope-restoring and stunning repudiation of everything that stinks.


The Bahamas Jean Grinders were led to victory by the charismatic and unstoppable pair, Local Woman and Local Man. Playing together for more than 15 years, the unmatched physical prowess and what can only be described as strategic harmony of these two athletes has elevated not just their team, but the game of football itself to a new level of perfection.


“Watching today’s game was like watching a bald eagle grasp Maverick’s and Goose’s fighter jet mid tailspin and helping it land safely. It was like watching an American bald eagle rewrite the plot of Top Gun, saving Goose’s life,” said Michael Jordan. The basketball legend has been a Bahamas fan his whole life. He was joined in the stands by five-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady, four-time All-Star-Squadder Jonathan Papelbon, and prolific musician Bob Dylan. The three were whooping with joy and exchanging misty-eyed high fives at the game’s incredible close.


Cancer’s unrelenting offense made them a formidable opponent, and they took an early lead in the first quarter with an over the middle touchdown. Local Man was body-slammed by a dirty sack that had Cancer’s left back thrown out of the game, and Bahamas Jean Grinders’ fans furious. But Cancer seemed to lack heart and purpose, allowing the Bahamas to patiently advance down after down across the field and score a touchdown in the 75th minute. Cancer threw several interceptions as the half came to a close.


In the second half, with Local Man nearly recovered and playing with his usual superb athleticism, Cancer’s quarterback illegally punched Local Woman and threw a Hail Mary to the team’s fastest linebacker, Marcus Junius Brutus Judas [see footnote], who completed the pass for a touchdown in minute 82. Bahamas fans were livid, but not once did they despair and not once did their faith in their beloved Local Duo waver.


After a brief time-out by Bahamas’ coach President Michelle Obama (alt: Coach Good Guy), Local Man and Local Woman emerged rehydrated and with renewed courage, supporting one another in a perfect marriage of skill and injecting hope into the entire stadium. In the second half, they rushed no fewer than 182 yards each, for a game total of 302 yards setting and tying a new single-game rushing record for the NFL. They scored 4 touchdowns and completed a field goal attempt in the fourth quarter, for a final score of 37 to 14, an historic victory for the Bahamas and for the NFL. Bahamas fans have been celebrating nonstop since.


“Every day is Christmas,” said Elizabeth Warren’s golden retriever, Lucky. Lucky  and his person, Senator-elect Warren, have been Bahamas fans “since day one.”


Note: This article is dedicated to two Gaucho Marks fans who kicked cancer’s ass. We love you!


Footnote: Brutus Judas also received 2017’s Worst-Sportsman-of-the-Year award by a unanimous NFL Executive Committee vote.