Department of Religious Studies Invents New God

New God

In a stroke of fearful genius, a couple of unnamed students created a new god in the basement of the Department of Religious Studies building.


It is well known that in the African savannah, zebras will herd together in a mass of black and white stripes in order to confuse their prey. The two students, who will remain anonymous, described a similar visual effect when they created the new deity. For the sake of their privacy, they will be referred to in this article as Chadothy and Deborahanna.


C: It was crazy man, I remember experimenting with these two chemicals, some really crazy stuff–

D: Yeah, we were banned by the Department of Religious Studies from using any chemicals for our studies, but we figured–

C: –yeah. Like, the colors of the room started swirling into random stripes and patterns. I heard this random pitter-patter, like mice feet, then it transformed into a sound like a really big trumpet. Like, if the universe itself were a brass megaphone, and I was feeling it all, man.

D: I felt the lack of all sexual desire and the most pure sexual longing of all time in the same moment. And then–

C: –yeah. That’s when it happened. I heard a voice that wasn’t in any human language. I can’t really translate it.

D: I can, I’m a linguistics major.

C: You major in linguistics too?

D: Yeah, it’s whatever.

C: Woah.

D: It said, “Behold, what am I?”

Interviewer: Did you respond?

D: Yeah. I kinda felt obligated to. Like, I couldn’t not reply. I said, “You are what you feel to be. I am only mortal and cannot say what you are. Perhaps you are pure Being. It could be that you are a feather on the winds of time. Oh no. I think I’m going to cum.”

Interviewer and C: Wait, what?

D: Oh yeah, I came. It was the biggest orgasm I will ever experience, sublimation incarnate, no big deal.

Interviewer: You seem pretty calm for such a momentous occasion.

D: I guess so, yeah. I think it was pleasure in its truest form, a moment of true being, what in Hindu and Buddhist faiths is called the OM.

Interviewer: What did it say?

D: It said, “I see beyond the smallest particles of your mind. I am what you would call a god. And yet I could be so much more. So much more in the eyes of all if you accepted me. I am new and yet ancient. I see all of you and none of you. You have what the ancients worshipped and revered. Together, we could be a thing of great power and beauty.

Interviewer and C: Woah, holy shit!

D: Yeah, it’s whatever.

Interviewer: But what did you say?

D: I said yes.