Ben on Jerry: Race for Isla Vista


Isla Vista-

When Isla Vista’s founding fathers were deciding who to appoint to the inaugural position of Mayor, Ben Storke seemed like a natural choice. He had been a student at UCSB for eight years, and his family held powerful positions in the Isla Vista Mafia. But when students found out that there would not be an election, they became angry. “Isla Vista is part of the United States of America,” said public policy major Linda Roosevelt. “The United States is a democracy. And in a democracy, we have elections.”


Although the founding fathers were initially unswayed by Roosevelt’s argument, their attitudes changed when political science major Jerry Sueno presented them with a petition that had 10,000 signatures. The petition read: “I pledge to pee in the ocean at 4:20 next Saturday if the position of Mayor is not determined by the result of an unbiased, town-wide election.” The founding fathers had no choice but to acquiesce to the students’ demands, and put the issue on a ballot.


It quickly became apparent that Ben and Jerry were the two front-runners. They were neck and neck in the polls for over a month. Roosevelt proposed that the two candidates should engage in a series of debates, so that the voters could get a better sense of where they stood on the issues. Neither candidate was enthused by this idea.


The election was quickly approaching, and a majority of the populace was still having trouble discerning whether Ben or Jerry would make a better Mayor. Editors of The Daily Nexus wanted to make an official endorsement in the newspaper, but they were just as uncertain as the rest of us. They decided to ask Chancellor Yang who he was going to vote for. Chancellor Yang informed them that although he had not made his decision yet, he knew of a good way for the candidates to separate themselves: A drinking contest! Ben and Jerry liked this idea because it involved drinking.


The contest was held at 7:00 PM on election day, two hours before the polls were set to close. An hour in, Ben and Jerry had chugged 12 beers a piece. Ben reached for beer number 13, but when he tried to drink it, he spilled it on his crotch instead. Jerry, on the other hand, was able to drink his thirteenth beer without losing his coordination. He was declared the winner of the drinking contest, and naturally, he won the election in a landslide.


The next day, Jerry was found dead in his apartment. Ben, as the runner-up, was sworn in as Mayor of Isla Vista. The cause of Jerry’s death remains a mystery.