10 Ways Bernie Can Still Win

Bernard Sanders, voted America’s handsomest socialist.

According to the Fake News media, Donald Trump was elected president on November 8th, 2016. This report has caused the general population to erroneously believe that fan-favorite Bernie Sanders has no chance to win the 2016 election. However, we at Gaucho Marks know the truth: the election isn’t over until we tell you that it is. And we haven’t done that because we can imagine millions of scenarios where Bernie retroactively comes out on top. Here are the 10 most likely ways for this to happen:

  1. Donald Trump declares that the United States is now a dictatorship, and he chooses Bernie to run it, in order to dissuade liberals from staging a revolution.
  2. Elon Musk discovers the secret to time travel, allowing him to go back in time so that he can assassinate the other candidates before the election takes place.
  3. Southern states secede from the United States, triggering a redo of the Democratic primary, which Bernie wins, and subsequently, a redo of the election, which Bernie also wins.
  4. Trump pulls off his mask, revealing that he was secretly Bernie the whole time.
  5. Bernie has an affair with Melania, and convinces her to give him Trump’s burner phone, which contains a disturbing number of dick pics. Bernie uses the phone to blackmail Trump into giving him the presidency, and he succeeds, since Trump is embarrassed about the size of his penis.
  6. God says to Trump, “Let Bernie be President”. When Trump refuses, God brings a succession of 10 plagues upon The White House. Trump is able to withstand the first 9, but when God tells him that the 10th plague will result in the death of his secondborn, Trump gives in to God’s demand.
  7. Bernie challenges Trump to a pie eating contest. If Bernie eats more pies than Trump, he becomes president. If Trump eats more pies than Bernie, Bernie will be deported to Guantanamo Bay. Unbeknownst to Trump, all of his pies have been poisoned, and he dies after eating the first one.
  8. Bernie is bitten by a radioactive elephant, which transforms him into Elephant Man. He stampedes over D.C, and grabs Trump by the trunk. Bernie threatens to swallow Trump unless he is made president.
  9. Bernie contacts the former Twitter employee who deactivated Trump’s account. The two manage to hack it and Bernie uses it as leverage. Trump would do anything to get his microphone back. Trump gives Bernie the presidency, and is secretly relieved. It is a huge weight off his shoulders.
  10. Bernie, unbeknownst to Trump, goes to work in the White House every day that Trump is in Mar-a-Lago playing golf. By the end of Trump’s first term, statisticians predict Bernie would be acting president for a grand total of 1,216 of the 1,460 days (83 percent of the time). He is effectively President. Trump is also expected to remain one pound shy of obese despite all the “exercise.”