University Bathrooms Roll Out Pumpkin Spice Condoms

The arrival of fall cornucopias containing pumpkin spice flavored condoms and decorative gourds, enjoyed already by visitors of the SRB bathrooms for the past week, is eagerly anticipated across campus. Dreamstime and Polyvore via Dollardays

If you haven’t noticed already, something sweet and savory has come to the bathrooms of UCSB: pumpkin spice flavored condoms.

The change in product was noticed by students who first used the bathrooms of the Student Resource Building this Monday. The SRB is noted for being particularly student friendly, their bathrooms stocked with lubed condoms until around one in the afternoon daily. However, SRB staff have gone the extra mile in this instance and supplied students with condoms lubed and flavored with pumpkin spice in the spirit of Halloween and the fall season.

The success of these goodies has not gone unnoticed by administrators. At exactly 12:03 PM this Monday, a memo was sent out from the office of Grand Chancellor Henry T. Yang, reprinted in full below:

“Due heretofore of the hitherto unrealized potential of henceforth sexually aroused students hithertowards attending at the University of California, of the henceknown County of Santa Barbara, the hither forth unbeknownst condom dispensers will be here and towardsward reproduced heretoforthe in all henchwarding working and nonworking university bathrooms, hencefortuitously, excepting during the propentuousse time of finals and midterms.”

What exactly does this mean for UCSB students? The delectable seasonally-flavored rubbers will be available at a 50% markdown from their retail price, which was free, so they are still free.

One university student, Brittainy Smith, a third year Economics major with a minor in Cat Memes, voiced concern over this issue. “I, like, really like pumpkin spice.” Smith said. “Like, I can’t even go one day without having a pumpkin spice latte, and I just, like, really like a lot of other pumpkin spice stuff. So I really want to try this pumpkin spice condom. But I also, like, need to do a Stranger Things marathon with my friends. We’re doing pumpkin-spice-vodka shots every time Dustin shows his teeth.”

While the supply of prophylactics is seasonally limited, plans are already being made by the university to disseminate condoms with flavors befitting the various seasons. With Christmas just around the corner, UCSB chemistry majors are rocking ‘round the clock to create flavors that will fill your stocking with seasonal joy. More coverage on this issue will follow as announcements are made.