As millions of Americans are showering their loved ones with flowers, chocolates, and cute little rhymes for Valentine’s Day, Jachary Sins, a fourth-year undergrad at UCSB, is hoping that his dick is a sufficient enough gift for his girlfriend.

“Yeah, I think it should be okay. We promised not to buy anything too big this year, and she’s always saying my dick isn’t that big, so I figured this little piece of me should be perfect. Romantic even. I could even tie a little bow around it.”

However, when we pressed Sins, it was clear that he was a little nervous about the quality of this gift, “I mean, I think it will be ok, right? She’s always told me it’s been enough for her, but ya know, sometimes its hard to tell with these things. I saw an ad for enlargement pills on the internet the other day. Maybe I could show her the box? Show her ya know, that at least I’m working on my dick. Trying to make it good for her.”

When we investigated Sins’s girlfriend to see what her big Valentine’s plans were for the night, we found a 8x8in map of the clitoris.