We at Gaucho Marks would like to, with the utmost humility, apologize. Today, in the dawn of Trump’s America, we would like to apologize for what we see as our greatest folly.

In the last few months, and in the last couple weeks in particular, the topic of “fake news” has been a talking point amongst news sources themselves, as well as a favorite insult slung by our 45th President at the fine news establishments of CNN and NBC. Seeing our colleagues (who are quality news sources nearly 75% of the time) slandered like this has forced our hand.

Readers, we have something to admit: we are a fake news source.

Yes, it’s true. Yes, we have been part of the problem. We have received many an angry email and disgruntled memo from D.C. higher-ups, yet we persisted in our false reporting. We watched as people shared our stories and discussed the implications of what we were saying; we watched as our false information spread like wildfire, a plague to the critical thinking of the American citizen. We watched without admitting the stories were complete fabrications.

Indeed, stories like “UCSB’s Womyn’s Center Offers Cock-Blocking Classes” and “UCSB Students Mistake ‘Grouplove’ for Massive Orgy,” factual as they may sound, are pure fantasy. We apologize for our deception. We must also admit that an unpublished story, “Trump Caught Going Into Hotel With Several Russian Prostitutes. What he Does Next? Disgusting,” was stolen from our office server by what we believe to be Canadian cyber sleeper agents in cahoots with Russian intelligence agencies. The false information found in the exposé was, unfortunately, used to create the documents purporting Trump’s penchant for “golden showers.” These documents were then leaked by Buzzfeed and other news sources. We would like to apologize for this, also. We cannot imagine what will come from this information; all we know is that it made the term “fake news” permanent on the lips of Donald Trump and his supporters. We have condemned all other news sources with our lapse in security, and we apologize.

We will cease our groveling here. We apologize again to CNN and NBC. We apologize to the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post, the Times of both New York and Los Angeles, the various Heralds in all cities and, last but not least, the Orange County Register. As we move ever further into Trump’s reign, it is likely these quality news sources will be labeled “fake news” as well for any critique they print of Trump and his actions. We’re sorry. The blame should fall squarely on our shoulders.
– The Gaucho Marks Editorial Board