SANTA BARBARA, CA – Saying that their sex life had waned in past months due to dread over the future of their country and potential future heads of government, local college students Katie Haskins, 21, and Rob Ellis, 20, stated that they have begun using discussions of candidate Bernie Sanders’ key political policies to bring new levels of excitement to the bedroom.
“This crazy election cycle, our first no less, has just been such a strain on Rob and I’s relationship,” Haskins, a third-year political science major, said. “I mean, if I’m being honest, we were both having arousal issues during intimate moments … that was, until that one time Rob mentioned Bernie’s belief in free tuition and drastically cut student loan rates … my God,” Haskins said, visibly biting her lip and clenching her legs.
What began as a chance occurrence soon became routine, Haskins clarified. “The prospect of a potentially debt-free education for our future children turned me into a literal faucet. From then on, we talked about Bernie’s policies for foreplay, and even during if we were both near the edge,” Haskins said. “Sometimes, I pretend I’m a rich oil heiress and I let him tax me, fairly of course, like the greedy old-money whore I am.”
“It’s the best sex I’ve had in my short life,” Ellis, a third-year physics major, said. “At this point, all I have to say is ‘$15 an hour’ and her tongue is down my throat and I’ve got finely-pitched tent forming in my khakis.”
The couple stated that they are eagerly awaiting the June 7 California Primary Election, as the simple act of casting a ballot for Sanders ensures that they won’t leave the bedroom for the entirety of the day.