“Three Day Valentine’s Weekend Forces Guy to Go Home to His Long-Distance Girlfriend”


This year, Valentine’s Day falls on the three-day weekend of Presidents’ Day. While this is generally cause for celebration amongst couples, it has resulted in an uncomfortable situation for first year Biology major Ollie Sampson, who now feels obligated to go back to his home town of Redding to spend the weekend with his long-distance girlfriend.

“I was hoping it was just gonna be an “I love you” text and naked pictures sort of deal,” said Sampson. “But with the three-day weekend, there’s no real excuse for me to not go back for Valentine’s Day. But do you know how fucking long it takes to ride Amtrak from here to Redding? There’s not even gonna be enough time for a speed hand job before I have to come back. Well, actually, I have a pretty fast record. But that’s not the point. ”

Olivia Westworth, Sampson’s girlfriend, was ambivalent about him spending Valentine’s Day with her. “He’s not much to look at,” she said, being interviewed by phone, “and he’s kind of dim. And he’s not really what you would call a stallion, so sexting gets the job done as well as anything. I suppose now he’ll be able to buy me some dumb flowers or something, so that’ll be nice. Or at least it’ll be better than nothing. Maybe. Actually, I’m allergic to most flowers. What a dick! Buying me flowers when I’m allergic.”

When asked why she remains in a long-distance relationship with someone she doesn’t seem to like much, Westworth said, “Honestly, my thought was that if I had a long-distance boyfriend, I could just tell everybody that he was really hot and interesting and stuff. Him coming back kinda ruins all that.”