Keystone IV Pipeline to Start Construction alongside Formation of Isla Vista CSD

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Assembly Bill 3, which aims to establish self-governance in IV, will allow for the board of supervisors to construct an ambitious project aimed at providing all residential and business property in Isla Vista with a direct tap to ice cold Keystone Light.

“My constituents really fought for this section of the bill,” said assemblyman and writer of the bill Das Williams. “Most AB 3 meetings consisted of drunk college students, so when I say they fought, I mean they actually fought. Also they were pretty loud”.

Second-year economics major Jamie Long said he thinks this is what government should be all about.

“Finally, a government for the people, by the people,” he said. “I really don’t care if I have to pay more taxes for this, not that I even pay my own taxes. I would even be willing to dismantle the water taps if that could help build the pipeline. Keystone Light is practically water anyways.”

The UCSB administration is proud that the students have shown such passion for their community, and have shown their support with a promised annual contribution of $200 thousand for the construction of the pipeline.

“We take a lot of stock in being ranked on nationwide, prestigious lists,” Director of News and Media Relations George Foulsham said. “When I heard we didn’t make the number one spot on Princeton’s list for top party schools, I knew something was amiss. This new pipeline will fix that, giving students more flexibility to organize parties, and thus increase our institution’s global standing.”

The External Vice President for Local Affairs office has expressed its full support for the bill.

“IV is a wonderful community full of young, invested, and engaged people,” EVPLA Paola Dela Cruz said. “They should be able to make permanent changes to the infrastructure if they feel like it. This is their beloved home of 4-6 years! If they want a pipeline, they should have the right to build one. Heck, Associated Students might even consider extending the pipeline onto campus, I know senate meetings would benefit greatly from access to the line.”

A town hall meeting about the financial feasibility for the pipeline will be held in Keg N’ Bottle this upcoming October 7.

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