After losing it in Isla Vista for the sixth week in a row, UCSB student Richard Johnson has placed his penis on house arrest.
The 20-year-old Chemical Engineering major told reporters that this was “the final straw” for his penis, which he claims has found its way into far too many seedy locations for Johnson to allow it to run amok.
“I love my penis, and I want it to have as much fun as possible, but trying to keep track of it is getting ridiculous,” said Johnson while his penis shriveled sheepishly from within his pants. “As of right now, this little rebel is on time out.”
Added Johnson, “If he makes even the slightest thrust for the door, I’ll know.”
Police reports indicate that Johnson’s penis is not the only one frequently seen roaming the streets of Isla Vista. One resident indicates that she saw a penis walk into Keg N’ Bottle and buy a family-sized tube of KY Jelly, clearly in preparation for antics unbefitting of a college-aged reproductive organ. Another claims she saw a penis walking around Isla Vista at 2 AM, harassing random passersby with lewd commentary. We reached out to Human Sexuality Professor Evelyn Campbell for an expert opinion on the recent bout of wanton penile behavior.
“Mr. Johnson has the right idea in placing his penis under strict house arrest until it learns to control its behavior,” said Campbell. “If we keep letting these penises break away from their owner’s control, pretty soon this whole town will be taken over by reckless, unkempt genitalia.”
Johnson asked that reporters take as few photos as possible so as not to get his penis excited “with all of the attention.” While he believes that his penis needs to learn a lesson in what he calls “e-DICK-ette,” he plans to allow his penis some freedom to preserve its functionality.
“It’s not a bad penis, it just needs to learn some manners,” Johnson said. “I’ll make sure that it gets tons of exercise, so that when I do let it out again it’ll be ready to perform at its best.”
At press time, Johnson’s penis was reportedly caught trying to sneak out of his Sabado Tarde home to attend a day rager at the Sigma Pi fraternity house.