A.S. Senators Passionately Debate Shittiness of Their Jobs

Kenneth Song/Daily Nexus
Kenneth Song/Daily Nexus

Amidst talks of the newly proposed Associated Students logo, the I.V. center, and a discussion with County Supervisor Doreen Farr, last Wednesday’s A.S. Senate meeting featured lengthy and impassionate testimonies from the student senators in regards to the utter shittiness of their jobs.

The student-elected officials reportedly prepared speeches before the meeting, each thoroughly covering the numerous downsides of their senatorial duties. All twenty-five senators took turns delivering their speeches to a crowd of their hopelessly jaded and disinterested peers.

“When I was elected, I looked forward to these meetings because they would give me the opportunity to fulfill the needs of my fellow students,” said on-campus senator John Pena-Soriano. “I didn’t realize then what a total crapshoot it is to try and satisfy them.”

Added Pena-Soriano, “Fuck this shit.”

The opinions of the senators fell primarily into two different camps, one saying that being a senator is “really god damn awful” and the other arguing that the responsibilities of the position make it “an endless fucking nightmare.” Senators from both camps agreed that none of them anticipated that representing the student body would “completely drain [their] sanity.”

“The meetings are way too long, and most of the time is taken up by this perpetual back-and-forth of petty bickering,” said College of Engineering senator Amir Khazaieli while his fellow senators nodded wearily in agreement. “And I’ve gotten really behind on schoolwork because all of these people keep bothering me with their trivial problems. One of the Engineering kids complained to me for two hours about how there weren’t enough vending machines in Phelps Hall. I almost started crying.”

Many other senators echoed similar sentiments regarding the complaints of their constituents, resulting in a bitter debate over which senators dealt with the most “whiny, uninformed retards” in the group. One senator described an office hours session during which a group of students complained about the quality of toilet paper in the residence halls.

“Toilet paper,” said the senator, shaking his head and clutching the bridge of his nose. “Fucking toilet paper.”

Despite the unanimous contention that the duties of an A.S. senator are unbearably taxing and nearly impossible to fulfill with even a sliver of enthusiasm, none of the senators expressed willingness to abdicate their positions to their DP party counterparts, who would be sworn in as soon as the senators quit. “Call me spiteful, but I’d rather continue dealing with the moronic requests of the student body than give my former opponent the satisfaction of taking my seat,” said College of Creative Studies senator Elliott Patzkowsky.

“Besides, I’m too awesome to quit. ‘Winning’ is my middle name,” added Patzkowsky, whose actual middle name is Owen.

After every senator raised their issues with the monotonous drag of being a student representative, they resumed their discussion of a possible logo for A.S., an activity which all of them agreed was “a pointless waste of time.”