UCSB Womyn’s Center Offers Cock-Blocking Classes

In response to the recent increase of grinding and hooking-up at parties, the UCSB Womyn’s Center is offering classes in cock blocking, focusing on the Israeli martial arts technique of Krav Maga.

According to a recent report from the UCSB Sociology department, instances of grinding and hooking up at college parties have seen a sharp increase, reaching pre-Clinton era levels. The report, published in the Journal of Science and Fornication, attributes the rise to the “steady decline in female sourced interference and conflict.”

“The female student population [of UCSB] is facing a tremendous deficit of cock-blocking,” Ida Greenberg, a professor of sociology at UCSB, said. “There is a definitive correlation between instances of mid-dance penis-to-thigh contact and dorm room blowies,” she said in an interview with the Santa Barbara News Press.

The classes at the Womyn’s Center focus on various methods of cock-blocking with techniques for all experience levels, including “Dancing in Closed-Off Circles with Female Friends While Not Admitting Any Men,” “Bringing Your Friend to the Bathroom With You For No Reason and Spending 45 Minutes In There” and the Israeli Defense Force fighting style known as Krav Maga, which is primarily based on throat punching and testicle bludgeoning.

“I’ve never been more confident in my ability to ensure that my friends and I will never have sex,” UCSB sophomore, Stacy Whitmore said, after completing the introductory course, “How to Declare Every Night a Girls Only Night.”

The cock-blocking program is led by Paula Stonewall, a seasoned veteran of cock-blocking and author of the books, “Murder, She Scrote” and “Pussy-Whipping: The Literal Martial Art.”

“The main emphasis of the program isn’t just to teach the art of the cock-block, but to re-invigorate a spirit of abstinence and tenacity in female college students against the pathetic sexual desperation of young men,” Stonewall said.

Stonewall initiated similar cock-blocking programs on campuses across the country. With the reported success of her initiatives at Arizona State, she was invited to develop a program at UCSB by Chief Director of Female Relations, Pat Rogers. The program has won definitive praise from Rogers.

 “I’m proud to witness the start of this program and am truly hopeful for its success in ruining the Friday nights of UCSB’s male students,” Rogers said in an email sent out to the student body.

Not everyone at UCSB is thrilled with the program. UCSB’s fraternity chapters have organized unilateral protests against the Womyn’s Center. Picket lines formed Monday, immediately after the first weekend following the cock-blocking program’s inception.

“We [frat brothers] have banded in solidarity against what is definitively the instigator of our darkest hour. Feminism is the root of all oppression. We stand strong against this force on behalf of all men at UCSB. We shall overcome.” Thad Dirk, President of Delta Tau Alpha said in a statement on behalf of the protestors. “I am really fucking horny right now.”

On Tuesday, the UCSB Sociology department released statistics on the cock-blocking program’s efficacy. The report concluded a substantial decrease in grinding and hooking up of 68.3 percent and 78.6 percent, respectively. Meanwhile, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services released a similar statement citing a “sharp and drastic increase in massage chair use by male students.”

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