UCSB Confessions, the Internet truth-box that has taken Isla Vista by storm, has grown exponentially over the past few weeks to the point where their servers simply cannot process all of the juicy submissions. In a rare display of compassion, we at Gaucho Marks have offered to take some of the confessions off of their hands and publish them on our page. Here are some of our favorites.

-I grew up in the rural parts of Oklahoma almost exclusively eating food hunted by either my father or myself. Coming to UCSB and eating at the Dining Commons for a year made me homesick (and literally sick, sometimes) and now, living in Isla Vista, I will sometimes catch, clean, and cook wild raccoons, skunks, and squirrels, just to quell my occasional cravings for wild flesh.

-I am a Chinese foreign exchange student living in a house full of white dudes. I speak perfect English, but pretend to be extremely FOB and maladjusted to American life because I hate everybody around me.

-I fucked the pirate.

-I use honey in most of my cooking, despite the fact that it is an animal product. I am the worst vegan ever.

-I once used mayonnaise as lubricant in sex, but I didn’t properly clean out my vagina afterwards. Now I have maggots in my urethra.

-I recently took my dog to the vet and she tested positive for cocaine and THC. Her intervention is tomorrow.

-I am a Phd student hiding out in a fraternity as part of research for my dissertation on homoeroticism in testosterone-rich environments.

-My girlfriend and I greatly enjoy daddy-daughter role playing.

-I write for the Opinion section of the Daily Nexus.

-I play the Storke Tower bells at seven in the morning because your hatred of me is the only thing that truly confirms my existence.

-I am the shark that attacked that kid a couple of years ago.

-I brought chlamydia to Isla Vista in the 80’s. Also, those of you in my Applied Psychology class should stop reading this page and study for your midterm.