With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, the results of a twenty-year long UCSB Chemistry Department study regarding interpersonal attraction based solely on physical attributes were released on Friday. According to Professor Liam Horneigh, who conducted the study, chemistry is found only within elemental bonds and chemical reactions, and the notion of so called “romantic chemistry” is an utter fallacy. Horneigh reported that volunteers for the study were organized into two lists, from most to least physically attractive and according to personality.  The volunteers were then paired with an array of partners and instructed to socialize with one another in a small, white test room while their interactions were recorded. According to the data, the volunteers were more likely to mate based on the longevity of their exposure and the objective quality of their personalities. This came as a surprise to researchers, who diligently monitored the subjects’ body chemistry, especially when observing more attractive volunteers. “This is a job for the Psych department,” scoffed Roger Bellingham, a chemistry PhD candidate, “I should be designing prescription drugs, not wasting my time trying to figure out what makes people fall in love. Who gives a shit?” Professor Horneigh says the results clearly prove that interpersonal “chemistry” is a romantic’s dream, and that mating habits are exclusively based on absolute personality factors. “It will be interesting to see how the results of this study affect the stock market,” says Horneigh “what with beauty being so ‘in’ right now.”