By Mathew Javidi, Editor in Chief
To the esteemed staff and complacent readers of Gaucho Marks,
Now that the Internet has been flooded by a strangely massive influx of UCSB memes and jokes, we have been rendered utterly obsolete. There is simply no point in continuing the publication, and we will shut down all of our operations immediately.
It truly pains me to say this, but after being hit by the comedic onslaught of the Gaucho commentariat, we really have nothing left to say about this school and its community that hasn’t already been said more effectively by douchebag freshman, clueless hot girl, and brooding Leonardo Dicaprio in “Inception”. How are we supposed to compete with Obama looking at a text and thinking about how shitty it is to go to a party on the 67 block? He’s our God damn President. I’m just a second year with too much time on his hands, but at least I know when I should accept defeat.
All seventy-three of our readers have been incredible these past few months. You supported us when we printed on plain white paper and riddled our issue with grammatical errors. You sat comfortably as we stormed your lecture halls dressed as ninjas and pelted you with haphazardly stapled pieces of 8×11. You even laughed at the snarky little jabs we took at the Daily Nexus and thought to yourselves “Yeah, the Nexus really does kinda suck”, just like we wanted you to. We couldn’t have asked for a better group of fans. But I understand if you guys decide to heed the call of the Most Interesting Man in the World as he claims to black out on those rare occasions when he drinks beer. I’m sure he does, as do we all.
Oh, my poor writers, how hard you’ve worked this year! It feels as though it were just yesterday that I gathered you in our “office” and asked you to bring my satirical vision to fruition. I remember the stares of doubt I received from each and every one of you as you silently (and, in some cases, quite vocally) questioned my competence as the leader of such a gargantuan project. But we must face the facts. Gaucho Marks is a redundant presence in a world enlightened by the subversive teachings of “blank-faced backwards cap guy” and his biting caricature of an SBCC student. Despite the incredible work and hilarious misanthropy exhibited by most of you, we cannot fight what we cannot physically destroy; and as hard as I’ve thought about this for the past couple of hours, I don’t think there’s any way that we can prevent the memes from infecting our Facebooks and splitting our sides with truth. It’s time to hang up the gloves and know that even though we only put out two print issues and twenty-eight articles, we had a damn good run.
Will Gaucho Marks ever return? Perhaps. We can only hope that SOPA eventually passes through Congress and fulfills its promise to revive the printed word. Until then, take to your hearts the words of Gandalf as he tells you that you shall not pass O-CHEM. Accept that bitches love Campus Point, and you should therefore take your bitches to Campus Point. And never forget that no matter what anybody tells you, UCSB is the funniest fucking college on the face of this increasingly melancholy planet.
Sincerely and without a hint of sarcasm,
The Artist Formerly Known as the Editor in Chief of Gaucho Marks Magazine