By April Quisenberry

April’s back, this time with a new boyfriend! Did you miss me? Thought so. To be fair, how could anyone not miss my sparkling personality? I’ve been spending most of my fall quarter cavorting with Orenh (the ‘h’ is silent), my boyfriend and partner in all things hip and quirky. He was one of thousands to answer my singles ad, but he immediately stood out among the rest when he came equipped with front row tickets to see Arcade Fire and a love letter that was actually a handwritten version of the lyrics to Joy Division’s “She’s Lost Control.” Can you say swoon? We’ve been inseparable ever since. Since I’m only going to school in order to meet and fall in love with a guy, I stopped going to all my classes and follow him around like a puppy dog instead. But now it’s time to take the next big step in our relationship: have him meet the parents. I know what you’re thinking; this could go horribly awry. But before you flip out on me, let me tell you about my parents.

For starters, they’re super chill. Summer and Donnie Quisenberry are both herbal healers who live in a cottage on the outskirts of Portland, Oregon. Since I was young, they have encouraged me to be whoever I wanted to be. They adore my peculiar phases and complete dysfunctionality when it comes to actual life skills. When they found out my main aspiration is to have a guy fall madly in love with me, they were ecstatic. They didn’t even seem too worried about the possible adverse effects on my personal growth and happiness. I can imagine that Orenh will fit right into our little family. He’s already vegan, so the stuffed tofu shouldn’t be anything new to him. Although Orenh is Jewish, he claims to only practice for the proletarian veneer that diverts attention from his inherited wealth, so our non-denominational Wiccan ceremony won’t present too much of a culture clash for him.

For Christmas I’m writing a song for Orenh and performing it on the ukulele. It’s a dark ballad on the topic of philosophical suicide and absurdism, set to light strumming and some improvised whistling.

Well, I’ve gotta run; Orenh and I are getting into the holiday spirit by stealing candy canes and Peppermint Schnapps from the IV Deli Mart for our Winter Solstice Sweater Kickback!