Isla Vista, California. A party town; an oasis by the beach, infamous for its revelry. A town where women wander through the mist in skirts barely falling beneath their scapulae. A town where individuals spend hours thinking of alliterative excuses for alcohol consumption.

But not all Wasted Wednesdays are created equal. CJ Veloz, transfer student, was playing beer pong last Wednesday at what was supposed to be an intimate gathering of friends. The “kick back” was not to remain a secret, however.

“So, I’m on fire, we’ve got one guy trolling and I’m about to totally make the last cup when our neighbors bring in this tweaker train stacked six deep with dudes,” Veloz recounted. “I thought, ‘not really the kind of fresh meat I wanted, but it’ll do.’ ”

Unfortunately for Mr. Veloz, trouble came not only in the introduction of more competition. “My roommate was trying to fuck this girl, so he let her pick the music. One minute I’m listening to Wocka Flocka and the next Miley Cyrus is squealing about and waving her head like ‘yeah!’ ”. Sources have yet to confirm if said roommate “totally got some” or not.

Luckily for Mr. Veloz, the invasion of Montana’s premier pop tween was short lived. But it seems he would have been better off partying in the USA. “I finally get control of the iPod dock back and put on some Tech N9ne when shit went down.”

The “shit” in question was none other than the Isla Vista Foot Patrol. Two “officers” had been dispatched to shut down a neighboring party after a noise complaint from one of the neighbors, but they could hear the party from down the street, “My partner and I had been dispatched to shut down a neighboring party after a noise complaint from one of the neighbors, but we could hear the party from down the street,” Officer Hammersmith explained.

Due to a lack of twenty-one year-olds in the apartment, Hammersmith fined Veloz and his roommates with a noise violation instead of the typical Minor in Possession charge. One attendee, who chose to use the moniker “Mary Jane’s Mack Daddy”, had a cannabis prescription and claimed responsibility for the “hella bong loads” that were present at the scene.

When asked if Mr. Veloz would be hosting any parties in the future he replied, “This party was not chill. Fuck that noise.”