In light of the recent increase in tuition rates, UCSB student awareness of the economic phenomenon known as “money” has spread exponentially.
Students who were previously unaware of the unheard currency system have become more economically conscious in the wake of the tuition hikes. Some students, such as junior Alicia Sanders, have attempted to get more involved by holding rallies to increase awareness.
“Some of you may think that money isn’t real or it doesn’t affect you,” Sanders was heard saying through a loudspeaker to a sea of rolling eyes and awestruck gazes. “If we don’t do something, money could tear the world apart without giving us a chance to stop it!”
Though he approved of Sanders’ devotion to alleviating the issue at hand, onlooker and sophomore Jeremy Burroughs expressed his disagreement with her methods.
“Look, I’m just as scared of this as everyone, but there’s no need for fear-mongering,” said Burroughs as Sanders began to march on the financial aid building. “We need to keep our wits about us and learn as much as we can about money before trying to fix the problem.”
Despite the fact that the University of California system’s demand for more money indisputably proves its existence, students such as freshman Connor Richards remain skeptical.
“I don’t know what everybody is afraid of,” said Richards. “I mean, come on, a system of vouchers and tokens that represent varying degrees of wealth to promote fair and balanced global trade? It just sounds like a load of shit.”
Money’s terrifying existence spread further panic among the community as students all around campus discovered coins and dollar bills inside their own wallets. This surge of fear sparked another jaw dropping revelation.
“I thought these green pieces of paper were just gifts that my aunt gave me for my birthdays!” cried junior Eric Campbell, who previously thought that the legitimate U.S currency in his pocket were simply “America” cards designed to remind him of how incredible the founding fathers were.
“I was so happy when I got this Abraham Lincoln,” added Campbell as he held a five dollar bill in his trembling hands. “He was my favorite one.”
Campbell, along with many of his peers, previously believed that U.S currency was based entirely on credit cards, which one could simply swipe through a machine to get whatever they want. This new development shocked several long time credit card users, including senior Michael Abramson.
“You mean there’s money INSIDE this?” asked a mortified Abramson before breaking his American Express Platinum Card in half and hurling it against a nearby wall.
Though most of the panic has been limited to the student body, several UCSB faculty and staff members have openly displayed their concern and confusion with the discovery of money.
“Are you insane? Of course I’m terrified,” moaned English professor Claire Edwards as she got into her beat-up Geo Prism automobile. “How am I supposed to feel safe from something that I have never even seen?”
In the wake of the uproar, several faculty members from the Economics department called a press conference to reassure the UCSB community and prevent further chaos.
“Though the existence of money changes everything we know about finance and trade, we do not believe that UCSB students, parents, faculty members, or anyone else belonging to the community have anything to fear,” said professor of finance, Rod Anderson. “According to our research, money’s seemingly apocalyptic presence will not affect us in any way until 2027.”
“Until then, we should be ok.”