In addition to priority class registration, elevated library privileges, and a higher unit cap, newly-admitted students to the College of Creative Studies will receive 100 acres of fertile land and a family of serfs as part of a new enrichment program for their academic research.
The College, which accounts for approximately 350 UCSB students, was founded in 1967 by English professor Marvin Mudrick as an institution for higher learning among undergraduates. Current CCS officials, including Dean Bruce Tiffney, believe that the distribution of private land and cost-free labor is a fulfillment of Mudrick’s original vision for the institution.
“We’ve been tossing the idea around for a few years, but we finally decided that our students deserve a proper learning environment,” said TIffney. “With vast landscapes and unwavering servitude at their disposal, there’s no limit to what these young men and women can accomplish.”
Tiffney added that some faculty were skeptical of the new initiative, but initial student reaction has been generally positive.
“Before, I would have had to do all of my homework in a cramped, filthy dorm room,” said Mathematics major Ashley Weinstein from her private beach in the south of France. “Now I can solve complicated linear equations in front of a sweeping view of the Mediterranean Sea. I absolutely love it.”
Though students have praised the distribution of land and servants as a success, some, including Biology major Jacob Lipsett, feel that the lack of choice in property location diminishes its original intention.
“I got stuck with this huge meadow in South Dakota that has nothing but flowers and deer running all over the place,” said a thoroughly dissatisfied Lipsett. “How am I supposed to discover new uses for tropical algae if I’m surrounded by fucking daisies?”
Other complaints were aimed at the randomly allocated servants, whom students have described as “depressing” and “a huge burden”.
“They always look so sad and weak, and the children are constantly coughing on my shit,” said Art major Ian Reynolds of his unwillingly obedient family of five. “Plus they smell because they don’t shower. I mean, I would let them bathe in my lake, but I need that water to study.”
However, many students believe that these complaints are unwarranted and unbecoming of the values that CCS students are taught.
“I am absolutely appalled at the nerve and puerility of some of my peers,” said Literature major Andrew Miranda as a ragged, teenage girl fed him grapes on his Texas ranch. “The serfs are just like pets. Sure, they work for you, but you still have to feed them and keep them healthy. I make sure that I treat all of my workers right.”
“Ain’t that right, Mary?” Miranda then said to the girl next to him, giving her a firm pinch on the buttocks. He then sent her to fetch more grapes from his vineyard.
“That’s a good girl,” he added, cocking his head and biting his lower lip as he watched his servant go.