I know you’re confused about the Associated Students elections. So are we. But, there’s just 3 simple things you need to know to completely understand student government: 

1. They exist? 

2. They already happened?

3. Candidates run under some party designation, usually either the Isla Vista Party or the Stroke Party (formerly known as Predators United). You may wonder what the point of party denomination is, but the two party platforms are actually very distinct. Here’s a quick reference chart:

Notably, the Isla Vista Party is very pro-transparency, hence why they named themselves after the #1 UCSB-related Google search. On the other hand, the Stroke Party is completely new and has absolutely no record or reputation.

A.S. does a lot of good for UCSB students. For example, they:

• lowered rent in IV!
• stopped poverty!
• ended racism!
• took a stand on global inequity!
• added an 8th floor to the library!
• granted us the privilege of paying for their resume fluff!
• exposed the flaws in the UC database!
• hsdfjksfdjewfj
• always keep us in the loop! 
• always give us all something to laugh at!
• don’t dance, but they make money moves!
• Extravaganza?

Official Endorsements

Gaucho Marks conducted an intensive interview process to figure out whom to endorse. Each candidate was chosen for their abilities to practice object permanence, understand cause-and-effect, and engage in pseudo-intellectualism (a standard of endorsement called The Daily Nexus method). Accordingly, we endorse the following candidates, using only the info found on the very real, very empty A.S. Senate website: 

These candidates are clearly dedicated to sharing themselves, their work, and their time with the UCSB student body.

We tried reaching out to the candidates for comment, but they all turned out to be JFK Jr. 

Gaucho Marks Magazine is occasionally not funded by A.S. Financial Board;)

*heh heh heh… The student body will never realize… that THEY are the ones who vote on student fees…