“I registered 800,000 disenfranchised voters in Georgia,” says Georgia Democrat, Stacey Abrams, who consulted for the UCSB Associated Students election commission. 

“But this—this will go down as the hardest battle I’ve ever fought,” says Abrams. 

The 2021 runoff election comes after the last A.S. president resigned for “absolutely no specific reason.” This vacuum in leadership has left the student populace on tenterhooks (See our latest podcast episode for details: “The A.S. Instagram hasn’t posted in 2 weeks, and it’s causing me to lose sleep”). However, two candidates emerged to quell the many fears of all 12 civically engaged UCSB undergraduates:

However, the runoff finished with a nail-biting tie between Mitherspoon and Waxlboss: both candidates winning a whopping 6 votes—adding up to a total 12 voters.  

The results spurred a lively celebration as it was the first time an A.S. election turnout broke double digits, but the tie needed to be broken. Thus began a subsequent re-runoff election (professionally known as the ranoff). 

Here’s the A.S. Election Commissioner’s comments on the ranoff: “We tried really hard to engage the voters on a grassroots level—Airpods giveaways, Tiktok videos, a 10-second Cameo from Bernie telling them to vote—but nothing was working! For some reason, the students didn’t think their votes mattered for anything! We considered eliminating voting altogether, but we would lose that sweet, succulent UC Daddy cash state funding if we devolved into an Associated Students autocracy, so we had to get creative.” 

Because the Commissioner’s office cared so much about student voices, they decreased the required voter turnout threshold, which previously required 4% of the student population to vote in order for the election to be valid:

“It’s revolutionary! All we need is 1. 1 person. Incredible. So indie.”

So, the ranoff was decisive: the single voter—a mysterious figure with the initials M.M.—submitted their ballot on GOLD 1 millisecond after the submission form went up, and decidedly elected Meese Mitherspoon to be our next A.S. president! So ends the most consequential presidential election of the 2020s. Of history. Wait, OF ALL TIME.

With a resounding call from the incoming Mitherspoon—”Let’s get to work!”—begins the consequential reign of the 1776th UCSB A.S. President. The success of this election is clearly identifiable by the hard work on display on our president’s website:

Read the A.S. executive official statement here:

This article is a work of satire. All articles, photos, comics, features, symbols and spaces between letters are entirely fictional and intended for humorous purposes. Any references or similarities to actual persons, living or dead, as well as actual entities, institutions, or Nexustentialism articles are pure coincidence and not grounded in fact—except for the 4% voting threshold, that is surprisingly real. Oh, and the president’s website as of January 2021 is really that empty and presumably has been empty since the interim president’s appointment in October, 2020. Oh, and Stacey Abrams is real, but is far too busy to try convincing one UCSB student of anything, as they are immune to reason. 

Did I mention I’m throwing a rager on Saturday? 65 DP, just push on the back door and it’ll open for you. The bathroom is a bush with a piece of plywood in front of it. Girls enter free before 9, after 9 it’s $211.59.