Cats: A Eulogy


        “Although I never had the opportunity to see Cats before they passed, I speak for those who knew them well and, overcome with emotion, cannot speak for themselves. To many, Cats was an eclectic companion in the musical scene. All-around absurd, with a child-like sensibility and a heaping dose of emotional redemption. Original fans were lambasted for liking the musical. They were continuously mocked in the media as those ‘weird musical furries’, but they grit their teeth, waiting for the day when those that once mocked them would get theirs’. When the Cats-haters would eat their words as they sang ‘Memory’ with tear-glistened eyes, clutching tight their hard-bound copies of Old Possums’ Book of Practical Cats”. 

        “When it was announced that Cats would be receiving a Hollywood adaptation, we cheered. The halcyon days of jellicle imagination held us in rapture. The happiness the initial announcement produced became like a pocket-bible on the battlefield of bad film adaptations. The cast was announced. Ian Mckellen. Judie Dench. Jennifer Hudson. We held faith, trusting that Cats would get its Les Mis moment. Then the trailer came out. And God was silent.”

        At the talk of the trailer, the funeral parlor began to swell with nervous energy. Three figures with pens behind their ears rose from their seats, in the crowded room that was teeming with faux black fur. They resembled blood-filled ticks on the alley cat’s back. “This movie is a CAT-tastrophe,” said one of the ticks. “Why do cats have human breasts?” said another. “My eyes have yet to recover from the trauma. I go in for Lasik tomorrow!” 

        “Security! Get them out of here!” 

        Three guards rushed from the parlor’s wings down the rows and rows of mourners, and with the strong composure and grey expression of Munkustrap, they hoisted the ticks out of the parlor. Despite the guards’ heroic efforts, one tick still managed to let out a small lament about giving their children “the talk” after the movie. Tom Hooper blushed and shed a tear.

        “Although Cats’ time on this earth was short, their impact was immense. They stayed true to themselves to the very end, never wavering when adversity struck, nor succumbing to the meaningless drivel that bogs down many animated movies (other than some oblivious casting choices, awkward cinematography, and the obvious fact that the movie was produced by someone who had never seen the outside world). For those that loved Cats, let the last words of ‘Memory’ push you forward in this time of mourning, ‘If you touch me, you’ll understand what happiness is / Look, a new day has begun’”. 

        For those that didn’t like Cats, I recommend seeing the movie on drugs. I read that it is an experience worth having.