If you’re gay (or straight and desperate), then you are probably aware of what the term “Sugar Daddy” means1. However, Sugar Daddy is just a term, and if you’re not careful, you may end up drawing in someone somewhere else on the Daddy Spectrum.
There are four main Daddies on the Spectrum that you need to keep in consideration, and unlike Pokemon, you do not want to catch them all.
The first, of course, is the elusive Sugar Daddy. This is a man who may not necessarily be attractive outwardly, but he’s got what counts on the inside: more money than all of your college debt combined. A sugar daddy knows he’s rich and, like most rich people, he lacks one thing in his life—human contact. This does not mean that he wants a relationship. It just means that you can give him what he’s been looking for in all the wrong stock exchanges: someone who’s willing to take control and top him mercilessly and animalistically in his giant king-sized bed. Just remember that a fantasy is not easily obtainable.
The second type is quite interesting: the Pepper Daddy. Here is a man who is not necessarily sweet but is tasty nonetheless, probably because he works out and is on some sort of health diet. The pepper daddy is, without a doubt, flavorful. He is almost always attractive, whether or not he has a six-pack. And he can give you that warmth that a sugar daddy sometimes can’t. But be warned: the cash doesn’t flow as easy with a pepper daddy as it does with his brother, the sugar daddy. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any. But much like the piggy bank white children own at the age of six, you might have to break him for the coins to fall. Be careful though! Catch him at the wrong time and you might just come up dry. It’s best to have a pepper daddy wrapped around your finger and dancing on your taste buds before you can extort him for gas money.
The third is more sweet than fun: the Splenda Daddy. Similar to the pepper daddy, the Splenda daddy will leave you with a nice warm feeling, but the numbers just don’t add up. It’s not that he wouldn’t, it’s just that he… can’t. The Splenda daddy is a man who looks like the love interest in a Hallmark movie, minus the mansion and fake snow. You can enjoy a hot cup of cocoa with him, but you can’t use Splenda to bake brownies.
The fourth and final daddy is the Salt Daddy. If he were one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, he would be Famine. The salt daddy not only lacks money, he also lacks joy and personality. That’s right, I’m talking about you, Craig. A salt daddy will try to lure you in with a body that spends too much time in the gym and the idea that he is Odysseus in the bedroom. But at the first sign of generosity, he will throw you into Charybdis. Beware the salt daddy at all costs.
1 Instead of selling your body/soul to The Man, you sell it to a man who happens to be Generous©.