Reports are flooding in that two students managed to speak at each other with next to no reciprocation for 19.5 minutes, or 1,170 seconds, or approximately enough time to manage 100 halfhearted “Oh yeah? That’s crazy”s. A partial transcript of their unbelievable colloquy has surfaced, and the world will never be the same. Communications majors are baffled, English majors are offended, the People’s Republic of China has already erased it from history. Only Gaucho Marks is bold enough to post the seemingly unsustainable tête-à-tête. Read, and be amazed:
Brandia: Dude. I think I found a lump. Or a bump? A lump.
Talialia: That sucks, dude. I’m sorry, dude. Hey, dude, I think my boyfriend wants me to pee on him.
B: Oh yeah? Dude, if I just walk into Student Health can they, like, touch it for me?
T: Sure, that sounds—yeah. But you know how people just imply stuff? Like they look at you too closely and they say “Isn’t pee sexy?” and you just nod and go “… probably yes”.
B: Yeah, yes, probably, yes. (Brandia pauses, but not long enough) I started vaping like a couple weeks ago, and it’s not, like, cigarettes but still that shit rubs my windpipe all sorts of ways and fourteen days… that’s enough time for a malicious tumor to form. Right?
T: Ye. Anyway—
B: I mean, I went through four juul pods. That’s a lot. I think. Like $25 worth of carcinogenic mango breath.
T: So I tried peeing while masturbating.
B: Coolio. Fuck this lump is lumpy.
T:Why are you so lumpy, Lumpy? (suddenly angry) And! And and. It made a whole ass mess, and I wasn’t turned on at all. But isn’t squirt just pee?!
B: (Brandia grunts, indecipherably yet sympathetically). Dude, I can’t die of cancer. I haven’t even seen the great Pacific garbage patch yet.
T: I don’t know what I’m gonna tell Davey. If I start with “I pissed on my fingers while penetrating myself,” then like, what?! Just like, Davey, why do you do this to me! I think I’m in love with him.
B: I’m very worried.
T: Yeah you’re right. I should break up with him.
B: UH huh. Hey wait I feel another lump on the other side. Parallel lumps. Does that mean… more or less cancer? Ugh, fuck me.
T: Yeah, fuck you.
Sources say Talialia and Brandi monologued at each other until Talialia forgot where she was and Brandia fell asleep. Talialia and Brandia continue to know nothing about each other. They are the best of friends.