Gaucho Marks has received a large volume of written requests from students asking for advice about dating their professors. In order to satisfy your thirsty queries, we have compiled a list of testimonies and pieces of advice from current and former students about their conquests. The names of the authors have been changed in order to protect their privacy.

1. Ivona Ryder, second year, Theater Major

Am I the only one who thought that office hours was always a covert invitation for sex?They always talk about how no one goes and they sit there waiting for students to come by. I had the hots for my Anthro professor, so I went. Showing up for thirty minutes each Tuesday landed me an adult cruise trip with him and his wife over spring break. Score!

2. Eileen Ulick, third year, Dance Major:

If you are not actively trying to date your professor or TA, are you even enrolled? The best piece of advice I can give is to genuinely be into them and start off with a friendship. Worst case scenario, you get a mentor for life and actually learn the material.

3. Dixon Kuntz, first year, History of Public Policy Major:

The whole master/student complex, according to my first professor/master, is on a lot of professors’ minds. I swear, some of them get into the profession just to be able to live out this fantasy. Compliment them subtly, or outright during office hours. You’ll strike out if you stoop down to the whole ‘extra credit’ porn bit though. We made it onto the [lower half of the] top-ten public university list this year, would it kill you to dig deep for an ounce of creativity? Is that really the best you can come up with? Step it up to get it up, Gauchos!

4. Ilene Dover, fourth year, Computer Science Major:

Be a shameless flirt. Here are some of my foolproof lines.

• “I don’t care if you make six digits, I just want your seven digits.” Works great on Sociology professors due to the subtle class stratification awareness that it demonstrates.
• “I’ve never used a metaphor in a sext before. Maybe you can teach me?” Best one to shoot at English professors.
• “Give me your number, so we can rant to each other during *insert mutual favorite show title*” Works great on any professor who needs to vibe with you aesthetically to get off.

5. Harley McCool, fifth year Sociology Major:

I think the best part about getting with my Gender Studies professor was learning how a woman can properly pleasure another woman. For my final paper I wrote that in a progressive society the woman’s body is a temple, not a forest for men to conquer. When I got my paper back, her number was at the top with a note. On it, she wrote that she wanted to meet at Woodstock’s to discuss a possible research opportunity. That research involved less time touching books and more time touching each other. From this experience, I say, find out what your professors’ passions are and arouse their interests until they can’t resist you.

6. Edgar Crosslegged, second year Gender Studies Major:

Chisme time! I personally have not done this but a super close friend told me that professors from every department have an orgy with their favorite students. Admittance is by invitation only. He got in by offering to buy his professor some coffee and then inviting himself over to his apartment. Within a week, his professor could not get enough of him. These invitations come out during dead week so hurry up and get to cuffing this season.

7. Andres Maropo, fifth year Hydrologic Sciences and Policy Major:

Okay, we all have to admit that something about professors having their way with you is such a turn on. Yet, to get there, you have to be courteous and show them that you are not a basic, horned up student. Take them out to eat at Buddha Bowls or for Super Cuca’s to show some class. If you ask them out to dinner, do not go to Woodstock’s or Freebirds. It’s such a cliche, akin to asking them for a quickie after lecture.

8. Sarah Hooker, third year East Asian Cultural Studies Major:

I got to date my professor by legit going to his office hours and asking him about his personal and professional life. Professors get so turned on when students are interested in their work. He ended up asking about my life and I shot back with, “Do you want to see my tits instead?” One thing led to another. When they say “Gauchos Go Hard,” they do not mean just undergrads, thankfully.

9. James Grossweiner, fourth year English Major:

I wish The Catalyst published my short story about sleeping with my TA because it was a modern Romeo and Juliet. They said it was too vulgar and detailed. Anyways, I had to condense it to about fifty words for Gaucho Marks, so I am just going to give you bullet points.

• Went to section for English 10.
• Asked for help.
• Grabbed her ass.
• Got slapped.
• I said, “Harder please.”
• She smiled and said, “With pleasure.”
• Got her number and address.
• Two hours later I was moaning in her sex dungeon.

10. Daniel Coolah, second year Chemistry Major:

First, you have to be able to recognize that ‘Damn, I wanna Netflix and Chill your ass so bad’ look if and when your professor is giving it to you. As soon as you’ve seen it once, you can’t unsee it. That downturned eye with a slight lip lick and nibble, and any sort of stroking on the body. Just, uh, make sure it’s directed at you! If you feel like gambling though, give em a little lip lick and suck on your finger without breaking eye contact. Very risky and possible social suicide, but if they are interested, trust, you’ll be getting some bomb office sex soon enough.

Disclaimer: These tips are not to be followed by students who care about graduating.